Quit Messing with Pizza
Hey, dummy. Stop messing with pizza, and when I say "pizza", I mean New York pizza. That's the only pizza there is. Shut up. Stop talking.
Pizza is cut into perfect triangles, never party-squares. You are not three and you're not at Chuck E. Cheese. It is not a cake. It is flat. It is not a lasagna. The cheese goes on top and the sauce goes underneath. There is no reason to ever mess with the perfection that is a slice of pizza. You want to put some pepperoni or sausage on it? Fine. Go nuts. Those are the only toppings we're allowing here. Broccoli belongs on Grandma's dinner table or in Chinese food, not on a slice of delicious, infallible pizza. You want a pineapple? Go to Hawaii. You wouldn't travel to The Louvre and smear Buffalo chicken all over the Mona Lisa, would you? Of course you wouldn't. You would be quickly arrested and rightly so. How about dumping a boatload of mashed up "cheeseburger" on a newborn baby's face? No, you're not a monster. Don't put that stuff on pizza. If you want a cheeseburger, eat one.
Don't try to make it at home. Don't eat it frozen. Don't eat it if you live in California or Chicago (have a taco or hot dog instead). Don't eat it if they refuse to serve it by the slice.(You hear me, Grimaldi's?) Pizza is not a bagel. Pizza is not a French bread hero freaking sangwich. Pizza is pizza. Pizza is perfect. It is the God Particle of food and when you mess with it, you mess with the stability of the universe.
- John Houlihan
Hey, dummy. Stop messing with pizza, and when I say "pizza", I mean New York pizza. That's the only pizza there is. Shut up. Stop talking.
Pizza is cut into perfect triangles, never party-squares. You are not three and you're not at Chuck E. Cheese. It is not a cake. It is flat. It is not a lasagna. The cheese goes on top and the sauce goes underneath. There is no reason to ever mess with the perfection that is a slice of pizza. You want to put some pepperoni or sausage on it? Fine. Go nuts. Those are the only toppings we're allowing here. Broccoli belongs on Grandma's dinner table or in Chinese food, not on a slice of delicious, infallible pizza. You want a pineapple? Go to Hawaii. You wouldn't travel to The Louvre and smear Buffalo chicken all over the Mona Lisa, would you? Of course you wouldn't. You would be quickly arrested and rightly so. How about dumping a boatload of mashed up "cheeseburger" on a newborn baby's face? No, you're not a monster. Don't put that stuff on pizza. If you want a cheeseburger, eat one.
Don't try to make it at home. Don't eat it frozen. Don't eat it if you live in California or Chicago (have a taco or hot dog instead). Don't eat it if they refuse to serve it by the slice.(You hear me, Grimaldi's?) Pizza is not a bagel. Pizza is not a French bread hero freaking sangwich. Pizza is pizza. Pizza is perfect. It is the God Particle of food and when you mess with it, you mess with the stability of the universe.
- John Houlihan
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