Jokes!

[willxfmr]

That one is getting saved and shared!

[Stuey1515]

This was in my Inbox, made me giggle a little, hope it lives up the resident corniness here šŸ˜


There is an important lesson here.



A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[Red Man]

Iā€™m pretty sure I canā€™t do it.

[Panhead John]

Iā€™ll give it Hell!

[RonB]

[Foehn Watts]

They for got to add the mummified dog in #6.

[Panhead John]

ā€œhappens have oftenā€ ? Have you started drinking again?

[ofelles]

That actually happens have often! šŸ™„

[Clark]

Panhead Bruce, a Californian, was a lifelong environmentalist. One day he was just sick of the world, with Covid, Brexit, Russia, China, global warming, political tension, and the rest of the disturbing news every day.

He drove his car into his garage and sealed the door and the garage windows. He then got into the car, turned on his favorite radio station, rolled down the car windows, and started the motor.

Four days later a neighbor became concerned when they hadn't seen Bruce and called the police for a welfare check.
They found Bruce in the garage, and drug him out of the car.

After a few sips of water Bruce was fine but his Tesla had a dead battery!

[Clark]

A lawyer went to the hospital for a serious surgical procedure. When he woke up in his room, the blinds were closed, the drapes were pulled and the room was almost in total darkness.

He asked the nurse "why is my room so dark?"

The nurse replied "the building next door is on fire and we didn't want you to wake up thinking the surgery was a failure.

[ofelles]

SHOULD I CANCEL MY CREDIT CARD BEFORE I DIE?
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank : 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help....'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
(Priceless!!)

[ofelles]

The Van Gogh Family Tree

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes--------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -------Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------U Gogh

His magician uncle --------------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ----------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ------------------------------------- Go Gogh

The brother with low back pain-------------------------------Lum Bay Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

The frequent visiting nephew---------------------------------Come And Gogh


There ya' Gogh

[Locotech]

@JCGrill....Cheech was the man....lol

[Locotech]

now there, is NO luck.

[HawkerXP]

It drives my son nuts that I need to turn the music down to back up.