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    Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court.
    The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
    "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me."
    "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
    "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
    "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"
    Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

    Comment


      Comment


      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        ofelles Beats the heck out of me why they would want to, took me until the late sixties to break out. Fortunately by then society had changed and I can walk about unnoticed.....

      • RonB
        RonB commented
        Editing a comment
        I think this is our first stealth joke...

      • ofelles
        ofelles commented
        Editing a comment
        Robb I think I posted something copyrighted!?!

      NOTICE
      In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

      We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

      Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger and has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

      Comment


      • Bogy
        Bogy commented
        Editing a comment
        My daughter just yesterday sent us a picture of poop they found outside their house. Pretty sure it's bear poop, but she resisted my suggestion to check to see if it contained berries or bell's.

      • JimLinebarger
        JimLinebarger commented
        Editing a comment
        I hear that sound every time I flush.

      Subject: Senior Dress Code

      Many of us over 50 – WAY over 50 – are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway – you'll get there.

      Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and Should be avoided: .....

      1. A nose ring and bifocals
      2. Spiked hair and bald spots
      3. A pierced tongue and dentures
      4. Miniskirts and support hose
      5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
      6. Speedos and cellulite
      7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
      8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
      9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
      10. Bikinis and liver spots
      11. Short shorts and varicose veins
      12. In-line skates and a walker

      And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:

      13. A thong and Depends

      (Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.)

      Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we might as well dance.
      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Not to brag, but I just went in to another room and remembered why I was there!

      It was the bathroom, but still….

      Comment


      • HawkerXP
        HawkerXP commented
        Editing a comment
        I was "informed" the other day that you don't wear white socks with sneakers!!!
        I guess I need to shop for some black knee high dress socks.

      • RichieB
        RichieB commented
        Editing a comment
        My grandson once told me "Grampy, you don't wear sox with crocs" who knew?

      • gcdmd
        gcdmd commented
        Editing a comment
        I actually got out of my car recently at Sam's wearing white socks with shorts and sandals. I caught myself after about 5 steps and went back to the car to lose the socks, giving a prayer of thanks the whole time that none of the grandkids, especially the girls, were with me. They would have died a thousand deaths.

      Just received this from a friend.

      God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh.
      He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

      God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

      Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

      "It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

      "Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

      God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

      "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."

      God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

      The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

      "That's Arizona , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

      They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

      Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance'."

      God smiled, --- "I will create California???Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."

      Comment


      • Mosca
        Mosca commented
        Editing a comment
        Heard that one but with Florida for both the beautiful and the balance.

      • gcdmd
        gcdmd commented
        Editing a comment
        At the start I thought it was going to end up with "What can I get for just a rib?" as the punchline.

      A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women. After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules. It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women's floor or women on the men's floor and anyone caught violating the rule would be fined $25 for the first offense, $50 for the second offense, and $100 for the third offense. A hand went up in the back of the room followed by the question: "How much for a season pass?"

      Comment


        In order to make this non political, I'm gonna have to make some changes to this joke. I hope it doesn't ruin it...

        SEATS IN A FORD TRUCK..

        I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday in Platte City, Missouri, for a look at the new 2019 F-150..

        Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.

        I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old.

        The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a 'RESIST' lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

        The seats were of particular interest.

        She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

        Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a (Insert political party of your choice) truck.

        Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a (same party as above) truck

        "I explained that if it were a (The other party) truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

        I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.

        Comment


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          Comment


          • ComfortablyNumb
            ComfortablyNumb commented
            Editing a comment
            Do you know how to find out who loves you more, your wife or your dog? Lock them both in a closet for an hour and when you let them out see which is glad to see you!

          • JCBBQ
            JCBBQ commented
            Editing a comment
            ComfortablyNumb LOLOL

          • HawkerXP
            HawkerXP commented
            Editing a comment
            I knew right from the start. Woof.

          In the right order, too, or maybe divorce and bankruptcy should be reversed. Come to think of it, liquor could precede them both:

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          Last edited by gcdmd; July 24, 2019, 05:02 AM.

          Comment


            Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

            The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

            “Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

            Comment


              Comment


              • HawkerXP
                HawkerXP commented
                Editing a comment
                Only way to "talk" to your children.
                Last edited by HawkerXP; July 27, 2019, 07:09 AM.

              • Craigar
                Craigar commented
                Editing a comment
                So, how do you know my kids?

              A priest, a minister, a rabbi, and an Imam walked into a bar and a social justice warrior ruined the joke.

              Comment


              • JimLinebarger
                JimLinebarger commented
                Editing a comment
                Then kick him outta the bar and continue...

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              • JimLinebarger
                JimLinebarger commented
                Editing a comment
                I know those plants are potted, but are they pot? Could also be a contributing factor.

              • gcdmd
                gcdmd commented
                Editing a comment
                I have to take issue with the food pyramid. I do like some lettuce and tomato with my burger, also mayo, which is made from eggs and oil derived from various seeds.

              Apologies if this has already been posted...
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                I was walking passed a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.

                I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.

                Comment


                • richinlbrg
                  richinlbrg commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Touché, JimLinebarger !
                  But the yoke is on Ron!

                • gcdmd
                  gcdmd commented
                  Editing a comment
                  richinlbrg
                  So, does that make it a Ronny egg?

                • richinlbrg
                  richinlbrg commented
                  Editing a comment
                  You folks are good!

                  I need to duck.

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