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Jokes!

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    So the boss asks this guy, "Do you believe in life after death?"

    The guy says, "No...never seen any proof of it."

    His boss says, "Well you should... When you took Saturday off to attend your uncle's funeral he came in here looking for you."

    Comment


      An elderly patient gets hearing aides from his doctor.
      After a short time, he meets the doctor again...

      The Dr. says, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."

      The man says, "Oh, I'm in a funny situation now... I haven't told my family yet about the hearing aides... I just sit there and listen to their conversations... In a month I've changed my will three times."

      Comment


        So I picked up a hitchhiker last night...

        He seemed surprised that I would stop and pick up a stranger and then asked, "Why would you pick me up? How do you know that I'm not a serial killer or something?"

        I told him, "The chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical."

        Quietest passenger ever. LOL

        Comment


        • EdF
          EdF commented
          Editing a comment
          Oldy but Goody!

        • surfdog
          surfdog commented
          Editing a comment
          EdF As long as it's funny. ;-)

        • Bogy
          Bogy commented
          Editing a comment
          @ EdF and surfdog, I've been telling Ole and Lena jokes at a twice monthly meeting for about 12 years. 24 jokes a year. You know how hard it is to keep coming up with that many jokes that can be told in mixed company, which for me is people who are pastors and people who aren't? I expressed my problem a few years ago, and they told me, "Don't worry about repeating jokes, we can't remember the one you told 2 weeks ago."

        Geez, I got that so wrong!
        I just found out that a "stress ball" isn't for throwing at people that stress you out.
        Who knew?

        Comment


        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          Of course not, that’s what wrenches are for...

        Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

        It's rated Rrrrrrrrrrrrr

        Comment


        • HawkerXP
          HawkerXP commented
          Editing a comment
          Not Cccccccccccccccccccccc?

        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          HawkerXP I thought that was the new Hitler movie....

        • HawkerXP
          HawkerXP commented
          Editing a comment
          Not Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz @ComfortblyNumb it took awhile for it to sink in.

        Did you know vegan is a Native American word that means bad hunter?

        Comment


        • CaptainMike
          CaptainMike commented
          Editing a comment
          Hahaha, your 2nd post ever is a good one! Keep 'em coming.

        Where does the suicide bomber go after he dies?
        All over the place.

        Comment


          What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?


          "Oh, Sheet!"

          Comment


            I was standing at the bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave without me...
            I could have sworn I put the hand brake on!

            Comment


            • Spinaker
              Spinaker commented
              Editing a comment
              Love it!

            My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had a few drinks. Cool guy wants to be a web designer.
            Last edited by jecucolo; May 11, 2019, 06:57 AM.

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            • Spinaker
              Spinaker commented
              Editing a comment
              Also good

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                A new plane was on its first flight. It was full of reporters and journalists. A little while after takeoff, the captain's voice was heard over the speakers. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to be your pilot for this plane's historic first flight. I can tell you the flight is going well. Nevertheless, I have to tell you about a minor inconvenience that has occurred. The passengers on the right side can, if they look out their window, see that the closest engine is slightly vibrating. That shouldn't worry you, because this plane is equipped with four engines and we are flying along smoothly at an acceptable altitude. As long as you are looking out the right side, you might as well look at the other engine on that side. You will notice that it is glowing, or more precisely one should say, burning. That shouldn't worry you either, since this plane is designed to fly with just two engines if necessary, and we are maintaining an acceptable altitude and speed. As long as we are looking out the plane, those of you on the left side shouldn't worry if you look out your side of the plane and notice that one engine that is supposed to be there is missing. It fell off about ten minutes ago. Let me tell you that we are amazed that the plane is doing so well without it. However, I will call your attention to something a little more serious. Along the center aisle all the way down the plane a crack has appeared. Some of you are, I suppose, able to look through the crack and may even notice the waves of the Atlantic Ocean below. In fact, those of you with very good eyesight may be able to notice a small lifeboat that was thrown from the plane. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you will be happy to know that your captain is keeping an eye on the progress of the plane from that lifeboat below."

                Comment


                  That reminds me of an old one:

                  One of the richest, (but also cheapest), men in the world is flying on a commercial flight in coach, (of course). The plane suddenly starts vibrating and someone screams that one of the engines is on fire. The pilot can be heard screaming into the radio that he doesn't think he can land the airplane. That is when the rich guy starts praying. "God, if you land this plane safely, you can have half of everything I have." Suddenly, the plane stops vibrating and the fire in the engine goes out, and the captain is able to safely land the plane.
                  As the rich guy leaves the plane, a priest that overheard the prayer catches up with the rich guy and sez he would be happy to take a check for God. The rich guy sez sorry, but I made a better deal. The priest says what do you mean? The rich guy sez I told God if I ever got in another airplane, he could have it all.

                  Comment


                  • Bogy
                    Bogy commented
                    Editing a comment
                    There's also the couple who are stranded on a desert island with other survivors after the plane they were on crash lands in the sea. Everyone else is concerned they will never be found, but this couple is confident help is on the way. "How can you be so sure," someone asks. The husband responds, "I'm the biggest contributor in our church back home, and we haven't paid our pledge yet this year. Our pastor will find us!"

                  If the USA had to change the weight system from pounds to kilograms there would be mass confusion.

                  Comment

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