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Jokes!

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    If voting really made a difference,

    It would be illegal...

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        • Mr. Bones
          Mr. Bones commented
          Editing a comment
          ROFLMAO!!!!

        Had alphabet soup for lunch and all of a sudden my vowels are working pretty well.

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          Don't know if this one has been offered up in the last 86 pages but...
          A priest, a doctor and an engineer go golfing. They find to their increasing frustration, the person ahead of them is an extremely slow golfer. They mention this to a passing golf club employee who says, "why that fellow in front of you noticed the club house on fire a few years back and rushed into the building to extinguish the flames. He was successful but the battle cost him his eyesight. Now he's blind."
          "Oh that's a horrible tragedy" said the priest. "I'm going to say a prayer for him."
          "What a terrible story" said the doctor. "I know a good eye surgeon--perhaps he can help."
          The engineer wondered out loud, "Why doesn't he just play at night?"

          Comment


          • Mr. Bones
            Mr. Bones commented
            Editing a comment
            oh, dear...

          I’m thinking I’m not the only one around here who kinda identifies with this:

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          • jecucolo
            jecucolo commented
            Editing a comment
            It is fun. Before Bill Cosby became unpopular he did this bit about how old people always laughed at young people. I remember laughing because it was so true now that I am old I understand why they laugh at the the young folks!

          • Mr. Bones
            Mr. Bones commented
            Editing a comment
            Right there, with ya, Brother!

          • EdF
            EdF commented
            Editing a comment
            Ah it's mostly just that they need to develop their "significance sensors". ;-)

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          • Mr. Bones
            Mr. Bones commented
            Editing a comment
            Been more than a week...

            Did they ever find th other two, jus yet?

          • RonB
            RonB commented
            Editing a comment
            Mr. Bones - not that I heard...

          • Mr. Bones
            Mr. Bones commented
            Editing a comment
            Pity , bless their lil ol, pea-pickin hearts...

          When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

          A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

          "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.


          "No, they went to town."

          "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

          "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

          The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message. ”

          "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

          The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            Lmao!!!

          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            That's great!

          For some reason Dr ROK came to mind when I saw this in a newsletter this morning:

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          • jharner
            jharner commented
            Editing a comment
            That ## is funny

          A snake slithers into a bar up a stool and onto the counter and asks for a drink.
          Sorry can't do that.
          Why not?
          Because you can't hold your drink.

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          • CaptainMike
            CaptainMike commented
            Editing a comment
            I think someone already posted this one, but it's one of my wife's favorites: Thomas Edison walks in to a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says okay, but don't get any bright ideas.

          I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.

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            A man walks into a bar carrying a living head, no body, just a head. He says to the barkeep, "This is my son, born with a rare defect, turned 21 today and I want to buy him his first drink." So the barkeep pours a drink, the man puts the glass to the lips of his son, and after swallowing a torso appears. "Pour another!" exclaims the son. He drinks the second and arms appear. "Pour another!" he demands. He drinks the third and just disappears altogether. The barkeep says to the bewildered father, "He should have quit while he was ahead."

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            • CaptainMike
              CaptainMike commented
              Editing a comment
              Hah! One of my Dad's favorites!

            gwschenk 's joke above reminded me of an old joke - Why don't psychics have a newspaper? 'cause they already know what's gonna be in it.

            Comment


              A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, ” We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”
              “Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.”

              Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

              A gentleman said, ” I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

              “Very good!” ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

              One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

              “That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

              But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.”

              Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

              “Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!

              Comment


              • Bogy
                Bogy commented
                Editing a comment
                I several times (different congregations) have asked for a show of hands of who wants to go to heaven. All the hands go up. Then I say that I'm getting a group together to go this afternoon, who's in? All the hands go down.

              Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

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              • Bogy
                Bogy commented
                Editing a comment
                Other unanswerable questions:
                When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
                When someone offers you a "penny for your thoughts," and you put your 2 cents in, what happens to the other penny?
                When you say something is out of whack, what's a whack?

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