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    Why do ducks have flat feet?

    From stomping out forest fires.
    Why do elephants have flat feet?

    From stomping out flaming ducks,



      1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

      I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

      Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
      and I was in the wrong one.

      Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
      San Francisco

      2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

      'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
      'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

      Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
      Seattle, WA

      3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

      Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

      Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

      4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
      'Which one?’ I asked.
      'The patch.'
      'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
      and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

      I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

      Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
      Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

      Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
      Norfolk, VA

      5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
      'How long have you been bedridden?'

      After a look of complete confusion she answered,
      ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

      Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
      Corvallis, OR

      6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
      'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

      I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

      Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,

      7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
      and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

      When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
      the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
      and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

      Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

      Submitted by RN no name,


      8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB,
      I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
      To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

      The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

      I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..
      ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

      She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

      ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was,
      ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

      Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

      1 MORE
      Baby's First Doctor Visit

      This made me laugh out loud.
      I hope it will give you a smile!

      A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
      waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

      The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
      'Breast-fed,' she replied.

      'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

      She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

      Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
      'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

      'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'


      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        Regarding the last one, I hope she didn't fake it.....

      Then there was the prospective military recruit who went through the customary station by station intake physical, which typically takes at least an hour and usually more. Finally, he got to the last station, which was for the urinalysis. He stumbled up to the doorway (or hatch for the Navy folks) and leaned against the jamb. The corpsman sitting at the desk pointed to a shelf on the wall and said "Okay, go ahead and fill one of those bottles," to which the recruit replied, "From here?!"
      Last edited by gcdmd; February 15, 2019, 05:53 AM.


      • wu7y
        wu7y commented
        Editing a comment
        I may get expelled from AR but I cannot resist.

        There was a navy recruit who had signed up with an artificial insemination clinic to become a donor but he was rejected. They determined he was not a seaman first class.

      I buy guns from a guy named TRex.
      He is a small arms dealer.



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        • Mr. Bones
          Mr. Bones commented
          Editing a comment
          ROFLMAO Brother! !!!!!!!

          Greatly helped out a very painful day!

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        • Thunder77
          Thunder77 commented
          Editing a comment
          My wife took up yoga last August. We both laughed until we couldn't breathe!! :-)

        Watch what you ask for....
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          The bad news is that time flies.
          The good news is that you are the pilot.


          • Donw
            Donw commented
            Editing a comment
            Unfortunately most of the time we are on auto pilot. 🙂

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          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            You need to eat more than one box. The effect is cumulative. You need at least 10 more boxes for the effect to be noticeable. I have 2 granddaughters who can set you up with all the thin mints you need for a great body!

          What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?
          God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

          Do you know the difference between God and a gorilla?
          Gorillas don't wear big watches.

          I dealt with fighter pilots my whole military career. The above are funny but true most of the time.


          • gcdmd
            gcdmd commented
            Editing a comment
            I remember one about how to identify the pilots in the shower, but I won't repeat it here.

          • HawkerXP
            HawkerXP commented
            Editing a comment
            How can you tell a pilots at the party?
            Don't worry, he'll tell you.

          Tell 'em the truth about me..

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            Today I saw a listing for a “Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

            i thought, “Well I can’t tirn that down.”


            • Bogy
              Bogy commented
              Editing a comment
              Price is to low. Need to market it for "People with hearing loss" and charge extra!

            • Thunder77
              Thunder77 commented
              Editing a comment
              That's a Spinaker joke right there! :-P

            Remember when plastic surgery and the like were taboo subjects?

            Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.


            • THE Humble Texan
              THE Humble Texan commented
              Editing a comment
              Look around and you just might see how many eyebrows are raised. (;

            A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”


            • jecucolo
              jecucolo commented
              Editing a comment

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            • jecucolo
              jecucolo commented
              Editing a comment


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