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Jokes!

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    Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
    You have my Word!

    Comment


    • Polarbear777
      Polarbear777 commented
      Editing a comment
      These jokes are a project.

    • Craigar
      Craigar commented
      Editing a comment
      ComfortablyNumb your PowerPoint has me on Edge.

    • jgg85234
      jgg85234 commented
      Editing a comment
      What will he pay with? Microsoft discontinued Money

    “I’m not really trying to impress anyone “

    “Well you are doing a great job of that “

    (Actual conversation today)

    Comment


    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
      Editing a comment
      LMAO, sounds like one of my responses...

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country of the county.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop and ask for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

    When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I’ve never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Comment


    • jecucolo
      jecucolo commented
      Editing a comment
      Awesome!

    • Bogy
      Bogy commented
      Editing a comment
      I hate when I preach a whole sermon at a graveside, only to find out it was a septic tank! 😀

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    • HawkerXP
      HawkerXP commented
      Editing a comment
      If it was northern Virginia some a*****e would be trying to pass the trucks!

      Sorry, I meant "some woman in an SUV, texting, would be trying to pass those trucks."
      Last edited by HawkerXP; February 9, 2019, 11:38 AM.

    • ComfortablyNumb
      ComfortablyNumb commented
      Editing a comment
      HawkerXP A few years ago one of our seasonal drivers tried to to split (yes, go between) two snowplows at the base of Fourth of July Pass. One mistake was not seeing the blade extension down on the one plow, the other was even trying. Haven’t seen him since.

    A termite walks into a bar and says
    ”Is the bar tender here?”

    Comment


      What did the termite say after it ate the bar?
      "Hello Walls"
      (with apologies to the late Faron Young)

      Comment


        Apologies, had to pass this on.
        Attached Files

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        • Donw
          Donw commented
          Editing a comment
          I dream of living in a country where a chicken can cross the road without it’s motives being questioned. 🙂

        I like this one...
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          Click image for larger version

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            Click image for larger version

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              Click image for larger version

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                Mods will probably re-direct this as it really isn't a joke:

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                  A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”


                  “Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.


                  The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”


                  The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”


                  After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.


                  The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

                  Comment


                    I was sitting in my truck at Walmart...


                    watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it...
                    I honked my horn.

                    Comment


                    • jecucolo
                      jecucolo commented
                      Editing a comment
                      That was probably me! I got a bad case of CRS.

                    • Bogy
                      Bogy commented
                      Editing a comment
                      The worst is when you're working on a project, where you have to make multiple trips to the hardware store for the tool or part you just realized you need. By the third or fourth trip I can't remember where I parked that time.

                    So why did the lollipop cross the road?

                    It was stuck on the chicken!

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