Jokes!

[gcdmd]

Texas cows are very literate.

[gcdmd]

Here's a business model I can relate to:

[THE Humble Texan]

There's free ear piercing down at the local pub tonight...
or "Ladies Darts Night" as it's more formally called.

[Polarbear777]

What happens when you show up late to the BBQ?

...you get the cold shoulder.

[Keiferr]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!


Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...'

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Henrik]

Here's one I really like, the guy posts his stuff at wronghands1.com:

[JGo37]

Fella gets up early every Sunday morning to go fishing. Today was horrible weather - couldn't get his dog to come outside. Tarp blew off the boat and across the yard. Horizontal rain got him soaked and he hadn't left yet.

He gave up, went back in, got in bed behind his wife, and said "weather's horrible out there". She said "I know - can you believe my husband's fishing in this?"

[Donw]

A fisherman goes out on the Chesapeake Bay but doesn’t return from his trip.
His wife gets nervous and reports him missing to the Marine Police.

A few days later she gets a visit from three officers. One of them says they have bad news, good news and some great news to give her.

The first officer tells her that they are sorry to have to inform her that her husband drowned but they have recovered the body.

The second officer jumps in and tells her the good news. When they hauled him up there were over 4 dozen crabs attached to his body.

Through her tears she asks what can possibly be the great news.

The third officer smiles big and says, “Tomorrow we’re going to haul him up again!”

[surfdog]

Yes, the invention of the shovel was indeed groundbreaking...

But...

It was the invention of the broom that swept the nation.

[surfdog]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans in to ask her, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora," and sits back down.

"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."

[RichieB]

[troymeister]

Three general contractors die around the same time and find themselves together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets them and says he has a problem. The Pearly gates are broken and needs estimates to get them fixed.

St. Peter goes to the first guy Joe and ask him how much to fix? Joe says, "$1000 dollars. $500 for parts and $500 for labor.

St. Peter goes to the second guy Stein and asks him how much to fix the gates. Stein says, "$2000 dollars. $1000 for parts and $1000 for labor.

St. Peter goes to the third guy Guido and asks him what his estimate would be. Guido says, tree tousand bucks. St. Peter says, "Oh my, that is much more than the others. How come?"

Guido says, "Look Pete... one a tousand for you, one a tousand for me and a nudder tousand, we get a Joe to fix em.

[Buck Flicks]

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

[Willy]

SMART ARSE ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during an Air New Zealand flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ARSE ANSWER 5 A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a Woolworth's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." SMART ARSE ANSWER 4 Policeman got out of his car and teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. The lad replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket. SMART ARSE ANSWER 3 A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!" SMART ARSE ANSWER 2 A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand." SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby ... Who shall I say is calling?"

[Bogy]

Ole, Sven, and Lars came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.
"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.
They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartender’s curiosity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.
"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.
"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.
"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days, and the box said 3-5 years!"