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Jokes!

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    Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

    The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

    Comment


      This is fair season, so...

      Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

      "$20 each for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

      "That's too much," said Ole.

      The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay the $20 each."

      Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride.

      After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

      "Maybe so," said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

      Comment


        One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and, having just returned from church with Lena, he was feeling a little religious.

        "God," said Ole, "Ven you made Lena, vy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant ta hold?"

        Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

        "Vell then vy, oh vy," asked Ole, "vy Lord did you make her so stupid?"

        "So she would love YOU," said the voice.

        Comment


          Give a man a fish, he'll feed himself for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit around in a boat drinking beer for life.

          Comment


          • Polarbear777
            Polarbear777 commented
            Editing a comment
            This was on this thread earlier but
            “Give a man a fire and keep him warm for a night, set him on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life”.

          An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next Morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.

          “It’s a Nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight Stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is The ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

          The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

          He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel Shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the World over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

          “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter What amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

          “But madam, this check is for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged You $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaims the very surprised Manager.

          “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

          Comment


            “I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

            Comment


              Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

              Comment


                One from a day or two ago reminded me of this one...

                The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

                At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, theyknew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

                The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were backwhen the Baptists took down the water slide.

                But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

                Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

                Comment


                  Two men were out hunting in the woods. Suddenly one man clutches his chest, gasps for breath, and drops to the ground. His friend immediately gets out his cell phone and dials 911. He tells the emergency operator, “My friend just died. What should I do?”

                  The operator says, “Take it easy sir. First, make sure that he’s dead.”

                  There are a few seconds of silence followed by a gun shot. The man gets back on the phone and says, “Okay, what’s next?”

                  Comment


                    Comment


                    • HawkerXP
                      HawkerXP commented
                      Editing a comment
                      We stood in line for a off Broadway show long time ago. RD was just behind us.
                      Nice man. But in reality, he didn't get respect. People kept bugging him. No time off when you're "famous" even back then.

                    • richinlbrg
                      richinlbrg commented
                      Editing a comment
                      I loved the tonight show when Carson was actually hosting. This is is one of my fave clips. Bob Hope, Dean Mating and George Gobel:
                      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=efHVcgUajtA
                      I also have the Johhn's Favorite Moments set.

                    • Spinaker
                      Spinaker commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Absolute Legend.

                    A TED talk:

                    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

                    Comment


                      Click image for larger version

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                      Comment


                      • JCBBQ
                        JCBBQ commented
                        Editing a comment
                        🤣😂🤣😂

                      • snowswamp
                        snowswamp commented
                        Editing a comment
                        You beat me to it JCBBQ. 😀

                      • CaptainMike
                        CaptainMike commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Mmmmm...baaaacooonnn......

                      Subject: A loving and caring FL husband

                      A Story of a LOVING AND CARING HUSBAND..

                      Thinking back a few years, living in Fla. I remember Hurricane Frances.

                      I was ready for it but my wife was not.
                      When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and thrashing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing tiles and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, mywife was rooted to the spot.

                      She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.
                      Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.

                      To this day, she has never thanked me!

                      Comment


                      • Mr. Bones
                        Mr. Bones commented
                        Editing a comment
                        ROFLMAO !!!!!

                      At breakfast, a man asked his wife:
                      "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."
                      "Great," he said, "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."

                      Comment


                      • Mr. Bones
                        Mr. Bones commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Ohh, now...
                        Dat's Good!

                      • Spinaker
                        Spinaker commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Lol

                      • Henrik
                        Henrik commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Ha ha ha! Love it!

                      I am fresh out of Chemistry jokes.........I'll have too ZINC of another.

                      Comment

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