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    HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN:

    Be interested in what she has to say.
    Compliment her appearance.
    Buy her jewelry.
    Bring her flowers.
    Send her cards.
    Take long walks.

    HOW TO PLEASE A MAN:

    Show up naked.
    Bring beer.

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        I was having a discussion with a friend who is a farmer. He was tellin me that the ground is still to cold to plant corn here. He told me the best temp etc. then told me what a friend of his paw told them once, “the best way to tell if the ground is ready to plant is, you go out in a field in the middle of the night, ya drop yer drawers & sit on the ground, if ya don’t have to get up, the temp is right. Someone asked about bein seen, he said, nobody is gonna be shining ya in the middle of a field in the middle,of the night. Planting problem solved.”

        Comment


        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          Summed up, 'plant your ass before you plant your corn'.

        Lol! ComfortablyNumb . Bravo!

        Comment


          An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

          The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

          The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

          The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

          His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

          "No. No. The other one" the man says.

          His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

          "Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."

          His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

          "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

          He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

          Comment


            Spring time in Colorado ...

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            • FireMan
              FireMan commented
              Editing a comment
              When they hatch do their heads hurt after hitting the floor or is that’s what keeps em veganarians?
              Is there a humming noise just before the hatch?
              Is that species native to Colorado?
              Last edited by FireMan; May 10, 2018, 04:47 PM.

            Dean Martin’s burger recipe:

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            • EdF
              EdF commented
              Editing a comment
              A man who had his priorities straight!

            • ComfortablyNumb
              ComfortablyNumb commented
              Editing a comment
              His friend Mr. Sinatra had a saying, "I feel sorry for people that don't drink because when they wake up in the morning, that is the best they’re going to feel all day" He also said, “Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”

            • EdF
              EdF commented
              Editing a comment
              Hail to the Chairman!

            New Naval Ship Regulations
            New Naval Ships - female quarter regulations

            Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

            While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised,

            "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

            And the Admiral continued,"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.

            Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

            Are there any questions?"

            At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired:

            "Sir, how much for a season pass?"

            God bless the Marine Corps!

            Comment


            • Mr. Bones
              Mr. Bones commented
              Editing a comment
              Don't know how I missed this one, Thanks, Brother!

            Tools in my garage


            DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine used to propel metal stock from your hands into your chest simultaneously sending your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner to protect the wet finish.
            WIRE WHEEL: Creates a single bright spot on metal before throwing it under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t‘
            SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
            PLIERS: Used to begin the process of rounding bolt heads. Also used in the creation of blood-blisters.

            BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert a touch-up job to a major refinishing project.
            HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle which transforms human energy into crooked, unpredictable motion. The greater the effort to influence its course the more unpredictable the outcome.
            VISE-GRIPS: The second and last tool used in the process of rounding bolt heads. Also one of several gripping tools used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
            COMPASS AND DIVIDERS: The compass, a two armed tool hinged at one end allowing adjustment, with a pencil at the end of one arm and a sharp point on the other; and dividers, similar to the compass but with two sharp points, are invisible when placed in a tool box with other tools. They can be found only by feel when the compass point punctures the end of a finger. Dividers double one's chances of finding the tool quickly. See 'Son of a B*tch' tool below.
            OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely to ignite flammable objects in your shop. It is particularly useful to ignite wheel hub grease while removing a bearing race.

            TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

            PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or to open motor oil cans the easier to splash oil on your shirt; can also be used to strip out Phillips screw heads.

            STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. It is also often used to create non-removable screws and painful palm blisters.

            PRY BAR: A tool used to cause $50.00 damage while replacing a $.50 part.
            HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
            HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now is used as a divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
            UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as fabric seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. It is especially useful for slicing clothing and exposed skin.

            SON OF A B*TCH TOOL: Any handy tool which can be thrown across the shop while yelling 'Son of a B*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

            Comment


            • CaptainMike
              CaptainMike commented
              Editing a comment
              Hahahahaha, I have experienced every one of these! Some of them multiple times.

            • THE Humble Texan
              THE Humble Texan commented
              Editing a comment
              Did you enjoy watching me work???? Let me know next time and I'll break out the drinks.

            • Thunder77
              Thunder77 commented
              Editing a comment
              The hacksaw one especially is spot on!

            The following is a text message from Fred’s next-door neighbor:

            Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
            I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled w/guilt for a few
            months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you
            face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text & I can’t live
            w/myself a minute longer w/o your knowing about this.
            The truth is that, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your
            wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t
            been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The
            temptation was just too great. I can’t live w/the guilt & hope you’ll
            accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
            Please suggest a fee for usage & I’ll pay you.
            Regards, Richard

            NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
            Fred, feeling very angry and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door,
            and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot and killed his wife, poured
            himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his
            phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

            2ND TEXT MESSAGE:
            Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
            I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had
            changed “wifi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us
            all.

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              • CaptainMike
                CaptainMike commented
                Editing a comment
                I have the t-shirt.

              SOS
              A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

              The F17 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F17 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
              He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier, as the F17 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level.
              The F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
              The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
              The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour, and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”

              Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
              The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"

              LESSON OF LIFE:
              When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may seem like a good thing!
              When you get older and smarter, comfort and dullness is not such a bad thing!
              It's called S.O.S.
              Slower, Older and Smarter!
              Dedicated to all my friends approaching S.O.S.

              Comment


              • RichieB
                RichieB commented
                Editing a comment
                Thanks for that one. I approched, entered and am in S.O.S. bliss....

              Why don't Mobsters like Jehovah's Witnesses?

              Mobsters don't like ANY witnesses...

              Comment


              • ComfortablyNumb
                ComfortablyNumb commented
                Editing a comment
                One of my favourite Rodney Dangerfield lines was, "I tell you, I get no respect. When Jehovah's Witnesses knock on my door, they tell me they're not interested!"

              My wife sent me this from Pinterest:

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                Lawyer jokes, eh?

                A man is in a curio shop in San Francisco's Chinatown and spied a small statue of a rat cast in brass. "How much is the brass rat?" he asks the shopkeeper. "The statue is $5.00, but the story behind it is $1000." The man tosses a five on the counter and tells him he can keep his story. He leaves the shop and as he is making his way up Grant he notices rats start coming out of alleys and dumpsters and following him. He picks up his pace as even more start following. He turns onto Broadway and begins running towards the Embarcadero as now hundreds of them are chasing him. He gets to the end of Pier 39, tosses the statue into the bay and pulls himself up a lamppost and watches a thousand rats jump into the bay and drown. After composing himself, he returns to the curio shop. The shopkeeper looks up and says, "Ah so, you come back for the story?" The man replies, "No. I was wondering if you have a brass statue of a lawyer."

                Feel free to substitute 'politician' for 'lawyer'.

                Comment


                • THE Humble Texan
                  THE Humble Texan commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Be careful with the Politician bit....Mine are the best money can buy. Every other politician needs to be replaced.

                • EdF
                  EdF commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Why do lawyers wear ties?

                • Craigar
                  Craigar commented
                  Editing a comment
                  EdF Ha! I see what you did there! Cracked me up!

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