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    #76
    Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
    The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
    The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
    The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
    Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
    The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

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      #77
      During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
      He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
      The man said yes! The robber shot him.
      Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
      She said no, but my husband over there did.

      Comment


        #78
        Only in America
        Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
        Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
        Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
        Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
        Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
        Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
        Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
        Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
        Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
        Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

        Comment


        • rototiller78
          rototiller78 commented
          Editing a comment
          Only in America...people drive on parkways & park on driveways.

        #79
        Cute jokes, Wartface . I really liked the "only in America" commentaries. So true, many of them.

        Kathryn

        Comment


          #80
          Only in America...

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          Looks like a perfectly delicious lunch to me....minus the diet pepsi + beer...

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            #81
            Ya never know....

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            • Steve Vojtek
              Steve Vojtek commented
              Editing a comment
              Cold reboot - works on my computer....

            #82
            Advise that may save your life one day:


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              #83
              And before i go to sleep:

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              Good night. (for me)

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              • Mr. Bones
                Mr. Bones commented
                Editing a comment
                OMG ROFLMAO, must NOT let Smokey see this over my shoulder!!!!

              #84
              Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

              Comment


              • Steve Vojtek
                Steve Vojtek commented
                Editing a comment
                Wartface - Argee fluly . I uedrsotod erveytihg...LOL..

              #85
              KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

              Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic
              Than Your Honda
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The
              Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our
              Water
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist
              Extremism
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
              (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...
              Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Louisiana:
              We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Tennessee: The Educashun State
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Vermont: Yep
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared

              Comment


                #86
                Sorry...
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                • smarkley
                  smarkley commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Toooooooooo Funny!!!!

                #87
                Wartface . I collect no. plates and i have one for each state of america.

                Minnesota: I understand this

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                West Virginia : One Big Happy Family: Is that because of the drugs????

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                'Dealer ? get it ? I hope so - don't intend to offend anyone - just havin fun.

                Comment


                • Breadhead
                  Breadhead commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Hmmm... An Australian collecting American license plates? How did you get into that? I'd venture to say very few Americans have a plate from each state. We have lots of Dealer's here, many from Mexico.

                • Steve Vojtek
                  Steve Vojtek commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I like decorating my 'man cave' with cool things.. Wartface - i don't have a mexican plate hmm yet....

                • Steve Vojtek
                  Steve Vojtek commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Just to explain further Wartface it is illegal for me to possess Australian plates unless they are registered to me - some silly law we have so to decorate my 'man cave' i've bought plates from America at some expense cause i just think it looks cool...

                #88
                An Irishman walks out of a bar.

                Hey, it could happen...

                Comment


                • Steve Vojtek
                  Steve Vojtek commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Did he run out of money???

                #89
                Yeah i just had to post this one...

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                • Breadhead
                  Breadhead commented
                  Editing a comment
                  That would be like an atomic bomb going off.

                #90
                And "no comment"

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                • Breadhead
                  Breadhead commented
                  Editing a comment
                  True that! Women NEVER forget ANYTHING.

                • Steve Vojtek
                  Steve Vojtek commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Yeah sad but true!!

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