Jokes!

[Daddio on the Patio]

This one can be adjusted accordingly.

A guy from KSU and a guy from MSU are taking a leak in the bathroom. The guy from MSU finishes first and washes his hands while the guy from KSU finishes and does not wash his hands.

The guy from from MSU says to the guy from KSU, "At MSU, they taught us to wash our hands after going to the restroom." The KSU guy responds, "Well at KSU they taught us not to pi$$ on ourselves."

[HouseHomey]

How do you catch a unique rabbit. Easy silly you "Unique" up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit. The "Tame" way, you "Unique" up on it. Jeeze...

I'm confident in who I am and I can where pink.....

Too many kids????

[Thunder77]

Spinaker, these are for you.

Researchers have noted that as women age they own more and more cats. They are calling this phenomenon Many-paws.

Oxygen was dating potassium. It was OK. They still see each other periodically. Oxygen is now dating Magnesium. They're all OMg!

What do you call dental x-rays? tooth pics.

Bah dum tssssh!

[gcdmd]

HouseHomey

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

[gcdmd]

From rabbits to chimpanzees

[Craigar]

And all my doc would prescribe for me was a standing desk at work.

[RonB]

Florida Woman, Using Her Beretta, Saves her Life in an Alligator Attack





This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.



"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

It - she - must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!



Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace..

It's one of the best pistols in my collection

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.

And his life insurance – a surprise bonus!"

[RonB]

Someone just sent me this:

[Mudkat]

After 30 years of marriage and raising two kids a woman asked her husband where did all the time go? Through our bank account an onto our waistes he replied!

[Willy]

I think the fellow below has graduated from ruin sorbees to Microsoft tech support:



"Tendjewberrymud"

Be warned, you're may find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best email of 1999.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"


It is funny, but, hey, the guy speaks at least one more language than I do.

[jgg85234]

Actually, Willy, I posted this a few years ago on AR. Written at the UN-IAEA while I was over there. Originally circulated at the UN in Vienna in 1994 or 1995.

I'll repost the other one about making English the official language of Europe. I just have to find it again.

Got a big chuckle out of CeramicChef at the time.

When I posted it, I asked what room the caller was in. No one ever responded so here's the answer.

Ass Ruin torino fee (that's room fourteen o three) (1403)

Best regards,
Jim

[Daddio on the Patio]

Why do they call it a roach clip?

Because pot holder was already taken.

[Atalanta]

Listening to news radio on my way to work (need those regular traffic reports!). I hear a bit about the problems Uber is having in London.

So Uber will be starting a new service in London. When you call them, they'll send a flying nanny to get you. It'll be called Ubercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

[Daddio on the Patio]

A son's father was turning 95, and he wanted to do something special for him. He decided he would send him a lady of the night to give him a spectacular time.

The old man hears a knock on the door, opens it, and sees a gorgeous bombshell on his porch. She says, "Hi, I'm here to give you super sex for your birthday!" He says, "I'll have the soup."

[RonB]

So I met this guy at the train station who was trying to kill himself.


But I knew he was just looking for help, so I put him on the right track.