Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Because they have no body to go with.
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The problem with too much alcohol is that it causes memory loss. Not to mention memory loss.Comment
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And speaking of elephants, why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees, duh.Comment
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Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Bradley wakes up from a dizzying sleep with a massive headache and notices he's lying in a hospital bed. There sitting beside him is is wife Janelle. Bradley motions for Janelle to come near. As she leans in toward him, Bradley whispers "I want a divorce".
Janelle is utterly shocked. She's sure it's the medicine making him speak nonsense.
"Oh Bradley, you're not thinking clearly," she says. "You're on lots of pain medicine from your fall. The doctor said you might be a little out of it when you first wake up. It's ok honey, just rest."
"No," whispers Bradley, "I'm thinking very clearly, and I want a divorce. Now".
Shocked again, Janelle says "I thought we had a good marriage?"
She begins to recount all they'd been through together since they'd first gotten married...
"Didn't I study with you over & over when you kept failing your bar exam back when you were trying to get that law firm job?"
"Wasn't I by your side when you got hit by the garbage truck?"
"Didn't I nurse you back to health when the swarm of bees attacked you while we were on that walk?"
"Who was there by your side when your surgery had complications and you were in the hospital for 2 weeks?"
"Wasn't I the one who sat by your side when the doctor first diagnosed you with cancer?"
"Didn't I sit there by you every day while you went through chemo and were deathly sick for months?"
"Who called 911 for you when your ladder collapsed while we painting the house together?"
"Who dragged your sorry butt outside when our house caught on fire that one night?"
"Who tossed you the life jacket when our boat tipped over that time you took me fishing?"
"Who was there clipping want ads from the paper when you lost your job?"
"Who slept in the tent with you for 4 months when we lost our house to foreclosure?"
"Why on earth would you want to divorce me after all we've been through together?!?!" Janelle asks.
"Because Janelle, you've brought me the worst luck of my life and we've only been married one year."Comment
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A Southern woman and a high class rich lady are sitting in an airplane together.
Southern woman: Where're ya from?
Rich Lady: I come from a place where we do not end a sentence with a preposition.
Southern woman: Where're ya from bitch?Comment
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A priest, a rabbi and Raquel Welch are in a lifeboat, yadda, yadda, yadda, "Those aren't buoys!"Comment
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Did you hear about the Indian who drank 45 cups of tea? He drowned in his own T-P.
Confucius say......
Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.
Man who irons four leaf clover is pressing his luck.
Man who wants to marry nurse must be patient.
Man who eats many prunes sits on toilet many moons
Teacher with crossed eyes cannot control pupils.
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I love good jokes,
A husband is concerned about his wife's hearing, so he goes to his doc to ask for help. He explains to the doc about his concern, and the doc gives him some specific instructions to confirm his suspicions.
As instructed, the husband goes home and steps to the doorway of the kitchen where she is standing in front of the stove, back to him, cooking dinner. He asks her, "Hi Honey, what's for dinner?". No response. So, as instructed, he takes a few steps closer..."Hi Honey, what's for dinner?". Still no response, so he takes a few steps closer until he's right behind her. "Hi Honoey, what's for dinner?"
And she says, "For the third time, meatloaf you deaf ba$tard!!"Comment
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what do you get when you take the meat out of a hot dog?
A hollow weenie.Comment
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A man walks into a bar and immediately notices 3 big cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling. He walks up and asks the bartender about them. Bartender replies "that's our nightly game here, if you can jump up and hit one of those pieces of meat, you drink for free all night. But if you miss, you buy a round for everyone in the bar"
So the man looks up at the meat, looks around the bar counting up the patrons, and finally turns to the bartender and says, "nope, can't do it. The steaks are too high"
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ComfortablyNumb - The horse with the long face is asked by the bartender "Would you like to get something off your chest?" The horse says "I could tell you a bit but I don't want to saddle you with my problems."
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A guy walks into a bar with a live head in his arms and sets it on the bar next to him. A bit horrified the bartender asks, "What's this?" "This", replies the man, "is my son who was born without a body. Today is his twenty-first birthday and I want to buy him a drink." So the bartender puts up two drinks and the man pours one into the mouth of his son. POOF! A torso magically appears. Astonished, the man pours the other drink into the mouth of his son. POOF! Arms magically appear. The son says to the bartender, "Give me another drink." The bartender hands it to him and the son gulps it down. POOF! The son disappears entirely. Bartender looks at the perplexed father and says, "He should have quit while he was ahead."Comment
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