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    I used to be in the furniture manufacturing business. I get this...😂
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    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
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      Drool!!!!

    • tbob4
      tbob4 commented
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      Where does your Egg go?

    • Breadhead
      Breadhead commented
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      tbob4 ... the Egg is outside and I'm monitoring the cook on my Maverick ET-735...👍

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One of them is really really heavy. The other is just a little lighter.

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    • Spinaker
      Spinaker commented
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      tbob4 and Steve B

    • tbob4
      tbob4 commented
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      Spinaker - Hahahahahahahaha

    • Steve B
      Steve B commented
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      And just what are you referring to Spinaker hahahaha. That's a good one brother.

    What's the scariest plant in the world?


    bamBOO!

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    • Willy
      Willy commented
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      Hiss, Boo! :«)

    • RonB
      RonB commented
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      Thanx Willy - I know you really love it.

    • tbob4
      tbob4 commented
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      Horrible!!! Two thumbs up!

    I know these are all oldies, but still worth reading.


    MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

    This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

    Men Are Just Happier People!

    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


    No wonder men are happier!


    NICKNAMES
    • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

    EATING OUT
    • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.


    MONEY
    • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS
    • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS
    • A woman has the last word in any argument.
    • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE
    • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    MARRIAGE
    • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP
    • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL
    • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING
    • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



    So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy reading.

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    • JCGrill
      JCGrill commented
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      I've had the same hairstyle for 30 years, I may resemble this joke.

    • Mudkat
      Mudkat commented
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      That's right Big RobB!

    • ComfortablyNumb
      ComfortablyNumb commented
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      Odd, I've never heard of a plastic bag from WalMart referred to as a 'suitcase'.

    Genius!

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    • Mudkat
      Mudkat commented
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      Smoke house? Yes? No? Bueller?

    • gcdmd
      gcdmd commented
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      According to an old shop foreman I know, you can tell an engineer a block away, but you can't tell him anything up close.

    • Mudkat
      Mudkat commented
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      gcdmd Haha! Yup!



    Stuff you might think about when you can't sleep


    If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food/medical/dental bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

    Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

    What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

    If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

    Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

    Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

    Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty which you then have to clean...unless you use paper towels.

    The word "swims" turned upside-down and backwards is still "swims".

    Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

    100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

    Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

    The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live are probably dead.

    If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them, i.e., "That, There and Then".

    Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

    If you rip a hole in a net, there are then actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

    If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)-

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    • Huskee
      Huskee commented
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      My wedding day was 02/02/02 and my wife & I are 2 yrs, 2 mos apart. So naturally our wedding started at 2:02pm.

    • Huskee
      Huskee commented
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      RonB what day has it fallen on since?

    • RonB
      RonB commented
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      Huskee - since it's your anniversary, I think you need to keep track much more than I. My birthday is on 11/11. I was looking forward to my birthday on 11/11/11, but oddly enough, it felt no different than any other b'day.

    Subject: Elderly Wisdom
    I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

    I'm going to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and rename it the “Jim”. I'll feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

    The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

    Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

    Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

    At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

    I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
    I don’t have to go to school or work.
    I get an allowance every month.
    I have my own pad.
    I don’t have a curfew.
    I have a driver’s license and my own car.
    I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
    The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
    And I don’t have acne.

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    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
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      An' thanks, again', Amigo!!!

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    Spinaker

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    • Spinaker
      Spinaker commented
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      Hahahhahaha. This is great!

    • tbob4
      tbob4 commented
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      Spinaker - Hahahahahaha You forgot to call me out on this!

    • Spinaker
      Spinaker commented
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      My bad! tbob4

    I see this in my future.

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    • ComfortablyNumb
      ComfortablyNumb commented
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      Count your blessings, that is my present!

    The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.




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    • EdF
      EdF commented
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      I never noticed that!

    • Mudkat
      Mudkat commented
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      Otis is my real name

    Not Available fer Comment...

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      I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

      Comment


      • EdF
        EdF commented
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        Well, there are breast men and there are butt men!

      • Huskee
        Huskee commented
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        To quote Mr. Bones, "not available fer comment" 😄

      • EdF
        EdF commented
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        At least I tried to keep it in pit jargon!

      Gary Larson is a cartoon genius. Too bad he retired.... But at least the world still has Jerry King

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      • RonB
        RonB commented
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        Spinaker will love this one.

      • Spinaker
        Spinaker commented
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        Hahaha! Robb I love Gary Larson. Fantastic cartoons.

      • richinlbrg
        richinlbrg commented
        Editing a comment
        There is a book of Larson's childhood drawings. He always saw the world differently. Must have scared the bejabbers out of his parents and teachers. Don't miss a chance to see it!

      Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


      Comment


      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
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        Today a man on the street with his had out said he hadn't had a bite in two days. So I bit him.

      Comment


      • kmhfive
        kmhfive commented
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        Ain't it the truth! I had a friend whose family got a clicker! He'd have to drag the cord from the TV to the couch, but then he could click through the channels.

      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        And I'll wager uphill both ways!!

      • Huskee
        Huskee commented
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        Even though I'm only a child of the 80s, that was definitely me! My dad eventually got a VCR and we could use its remote (!!!) to change TV channels of theTV was on 3. We felt like the rich and famous.

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