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    #61
    The Smart Monkey

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

    He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

    "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

    Comment


    • Huskee
      Huskee commented
      Editing a comment
      LOL! That was great!

    #62
    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed
    a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and
    a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had
    tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your
    rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
    faster.'

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
    then I wouldn't have a siren.

    Comment


      #63
      Husband Down

      A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

      'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

      'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies

      'Put them back, we can't afford them', demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

      A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

      'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

      'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

      Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'


      He never knew what hit him.

      Comment


        #64
        Abbot & Costello on Unemployment

        COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

        ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

        COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

        ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

        COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

        ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

        COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

        ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

        COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

        ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

        COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

        ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

        COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

        ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

        COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

        ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

        COSTELLO: What point?

        ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

        COSTELLO: To whom?

        ABBOTT: The unemployed.

        COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

        ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

        COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

        ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

        COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work

        ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

        COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

        ABBOTT: Absolutely.

        COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

        ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

        COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

        ABBOTT: Correct.

        COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

        ABBOTT: Bingo.

        COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

        ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

        COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

        ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

        Comment


          #65
          HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS


          The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
          I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people love Jesus.
          Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must “really” love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled ‘JESUS CHRIST’ as loud as he could. It was like a football game with shouting, ‘GO, JESUS CHRIST GO!’
          Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must of been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling about a “Sunny beach”, and saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
          Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like, “mother trucker”, or mothers from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.
          A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
          Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

          Comment


          • Steve Vojtek
            Steve Vojtek commented
            Editing a comment
            This is my personal favourite one ... LOL

          #66
          The difference between an Alabama coed and Bigfoot? One is seven foot four, weighs 480 pounds, has long, matted hair, and stinks; the other has big feet.

          The difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a slimy bottom dweller that feeds on rotting material; the other is a fish.

          How can you tell if the dead carcass in the road is from a lawyer or a skunk? There'll be skid marks in front of the skunk.

          What have you got if you've got a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

          The toothbrush was invented in West Virginia. Had it been invented elsewhere, it'd be called a teethbrush.

          Comment


          • Willy
            Willy commented
            Editing a comment
            I heard that bus accident was a real tragedy--there were two empty seats.

          • HC in SC
            HC in SC commented
            Editing a comment
            Q: Why didn't the shark attack the lawyer?

            A: Professional courtesy.

          • KenC52
            KenC52 commented
            Editing a comment
            Why do they use lawyers for AIDS research? There are some things a white rat won't do.

          #67
          A few weeks ago, I told my wife her place was in the kitchen. I didn't see her for over a week after that. The second week, I could see her just a little bit cuz the swelling in my right eye had gone down...

          Comment


            #68
            Good stuff LMAO guys !! Very funny stuff.

            Comment


              #69
              A Farside panel: God, standing on a cloud and looking at his gentle creatures, the bunnies, deer, etc. He says, "OK, time to make something to eat you guys".

              Another Farside: God, rolling what looks like Play-Doh between his palms. He says "Making snakes is sure easy!".

              Comment


                #70
                I think my favorite "Far Side" was two crocodiles sitting on a river bank with what is obviously the remnants of a swamped boat (hats, suitcases, etc.) floating by and one croc says to the other, "I sure could use some cheesecake right about now."

                And if you have never seen the book of Gary Larson's childhood drawings, you may want to look for it. Really something. I think today a child might be institutionalized for drawings like his! He has always seen the world differently!

                Comment


                  #71
                  Ok one for the kiddies - i find it amusing myself....


                  Knock knock:
                  Who's there?
                  Banana!
                  Banana who?
                  Banana banana...

                  Knock knock:
                  Who's there?
                  Banana!
                  Banana who?
                  Banana banana...

                  Knock knock:
                  Who's there?
                  Banana!
                  Banana who?
                  Banana banana...

                  Knock knock:
                  WHO'S THERE?
                  Orange!
                  Orange who?
                  Orange you glad i'm not a banana?

                  Comment


                    #72
                    Another one:

                    What has wheels and flies?



                    Any guesses?
                    An aeroplane..... NO



                    A garbage truck...

                    Comment


                      #73
                      Ok this guy ran out of charcoal briquettes. So he went to his local big hardware store to get some more. The briquettes are in the far corner right past all the shining new bbq gear. As he's walking towards them he decides to check out all the nice gear - starting with the kettles - comparing them - looking at the build quality etc - then looking at some gassers - giving the electrics a quick look as well - you know ' research' and then he came upon the pizza ovens. He saw the woodfired one and was amazed.'Nice' he though to himself. Than he moved forward to the gas powered one - even better he thought - easier to use and can bake 3 pizzas all at once. Then all of a sudden he was struck by GAS (Gear Acquisition Syndrome). He hastily went to get a trolley and found a box with the pizza oven and loaded it. Then he had another look around - what else can he get he asked himself (GAS was in full swing). Chimney starter - nice - two wireless thermometers - awesome - lava rocks - allright! - butane blowtorch - need one of those - butane refills - need those too - etc ... Before he knew it he had a full trolley and an hour and hundred's of dollars later he loaded everything onto his ute and went home. At home he unloaded everything and started feeling hungry. I will play with my new toys after dinner - he thought to himself. So he ventured out towards his charcoal kettle and as he's walking towards it it suddenly struck him! He slapped himself on his forehead and screamed out words which are best not repeated - ever! .... Hope the neighbours didn't hear....With the sudden onset of GAS he forgot to buy the charcoal briquettes!!!!!! Indoor cooking that night LOL..

                      This is a true story - i know cause ahhh it happened 'cough' to my "friend" 'cough' a while ago....I'd never do anything like that! 'cough'


                      Comment


                      • Mosca
                        Mosca commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Love it! What gets me is when I'm there, and I control myself by not spending the $300 on say, a Weber Performer Gold... but I manage to spend $150 on gloves, starters, lights, wood chunks, tongs, thermometers, and OH: might as well try some of those rubs and spices they helpfully put right next to everything!

                      • Steve Vojtek
                        Steve Vojtek commented
                        Editing a comment
                        I thing they place everything very strategically - it work on me ahh oops no my 'friend'...

                      #74
                      The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
                      Two men and a woman.
                      For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
                      "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
                      In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
                      The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
                      The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
                      The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
                      with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
                      The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
                      Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
                      She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
                      After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
                      She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

                      Comment


                        #75
                        An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

                        Dear Bubba:
                        I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

                        Love, Dad

                        A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

                        Dear Dad:
                        For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
                        Love, Bubba

                        At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
                        That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

                        Dear Dad:
                        Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
                        Love, Bubba

                        Comment

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