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          Jesus and Moses come down to earth to play a round of golf. Jesus tees off first. As He grabs a club, Moses says, "Lord, I don't think you should use that club." And Jesus replies, "This is the same club that Arnold Palmer uses on this hole. WHACK! Hole in one. Moses gets par. On the next hole, same thing, and Jesus says, "This is the same club that Arnold Palmer uses on this hole." And another hole in one. Moses gets one over. This goes on for the entire front nine, and each time Jesus gets a hole in one. On the tenth hole, as Jesus grabs a club, he looks at Moses, and Moses says nothing. WHACK! Jesus slices the ball, and it lands in the lake. Naturally, Jesus walks out onto the lake to retrieve the ball. While He's out there, another group comes by, and they see Him on the lake, and they say to Moses, "Who does he think he is, Jesus?" And Moses says, "No, He thinks He's Arnold Palmer."

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              A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

              “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

              “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

              “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

              “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

              “Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother —540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

              “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

              “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

              “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

              “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

              “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

              “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

              The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …“You missed the .......ing putt, didn’t you?”

              Comment


              • Breadhead
                Breadhead commented
                Editing a comment
                Missing that putt after all of that would have had Jesus himself cussing like a truck driver!😖

              • Mr. Bones
                Mr. Bones commented
                Editing a comment
                Or, worse yet, like a Seabee!

              • Breadhead
                Breadhead commented
                Editing a comment
                Or like my ex wife after our divorce when she discovered she couldn't invade my personally owned corporation.🤑🤑🤑 She squealed like a stuck pig.😆

              These dogs got kicked out of their dog house...
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                A pilot crash lands on a deserted tropical island. He is marooned for years. One day he is amazed to see a person in SCUBA gear come walking out of the water. As he looks on the diver removes the breathing apparatus and wet suit hood, and he sees that it is a beautiful blonde. She walks up to him and says, "Is there anything that you would like?"

                "Well, I'd love a good cigar, but I suppose you don't have one of those," he says. She unzips a waterproof satchel and pulls out a cigar with a lighter. He takes a few puffs, and it's a great Cuban cigar. "Anything else?" she says.

                "I haven't had a martini for years," he says. She digs in the satchel, pulls out gin, vermouth, and a glass and mixes him a perfect martini.

                As he finishes the cigar and martini she says, "What else can I do?" The man replies, "Actually, I'm good!"

                "You mean after all these years of being alone on this island you don't want to play around?" she asks.

                The man's eyes get big and he says, "You have a set of golf clubs in there too?"

                Comment


                • Craigar
                  Craigar commented
                  Editing a comment
                  An oldie but a goodie!

                • gcdmd
                  gcdmd commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I thought it was going to be the clam digger one.

                Comment


                • Breadhead
                  Breadhead commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Yes... as soon as all the suits get involved NOTHING makes any sense anymore. That's why they lock up all of those weirdos in the corporate headquarters.😡

                • Craigar
                  Craigar commented
                  Editing a comment
                  That's no joke. Wait a minute...I kinda resemble that remark. Ha!

                • gcdmd
                  gcdmd commented
                  Editing a comment
                  It looks like a serving line. They're probably hard-boiled, which would validate both observations, by Breadhead and Craigar.

                ......
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                • Spinaker
                  Spinaker commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Hahaha

                .......
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                  Three trees & a woodpecker

                  It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
                  Here is one:

                  Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small Tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is That a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannotTell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

                  The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if That is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

                  The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
                  Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
                  Best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

                  Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on.

                  Comment


                  • EdF
                    EdF commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Gentle, that one!

                  • ComfortablyNumb
                    ComfortablyNumb commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Not one dirty word, but double entendre.

                  There are several versions of this one, but they all come to the same conclusion:

                  A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi
                  arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The
                  Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can
                  peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in
                  the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe. The
                  Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a
                  tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.
                  After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked
                  the tree with no problem.

                  The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas
                  woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi
                  woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to
                  peck the tree in their own state?

                  After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

                  Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home

                  Comment


                    Another newsletter dandy:

                    My tentative travel plans for 2017

                    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
                    Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with
                    someone.

                    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

                    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
                    be driven there. I have made several trips there thanks to my friends,
                    family and work.

                    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not
                    too much on physical activity anymore.

                    I have been in Decisive...at least I think so.

                    I have also been in Doubt, but it makes me uncomfortable. So I try to
                    live by the motto: Often wrong, but never in Doubt.

                    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to not bend.

                    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

                    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
                    adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
                    stimuli I can get!

                    And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.

                    People keep telling me I'm in Denial, but I'm certain I've never been
                    there before!

                    I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember much, except that
                    it is very damp there.

                    I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is
                    to get there.


                    I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

                    Comment


                    • tbob4
                      tbob4 commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Spinaker !!!!!

                    • gcdmd
                      gcdmd commented
                      Editing a comment
                      I hope to never be in Flammable, but every time I go shopping with my wife I find myself in Expensive.

                    I dialed a number and got the following recording:
                    "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
                    I am making some changes in my life.
                    Please leave a message after the
                    Beep. If I do not return your call,
                    You are one of the changes."

                    ~~~~~
                    My spouse and I had words,
                    But I didn't get to use mine.

                    ~~~~~
                    Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

                    ~~~~~
                    The irony of life is that, by the time
                    You're old enough to know your way around,
                    you're not going anywhere.

                    ~~~~~
                    I was always taught to respect my elders,
                    But it keeps getting harder to find one.

                    ~~~~~
                    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
                    while taking a bath.
                    "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
                    "Not yet," she replied...

                    Edit Add-on: Sorry--cut 'n' pasted and I can't fix the right margin.

                    Comment


                    • EdF
                      EdF commented
                      Editing a comment
                      "Not yet" LOL!

                    • gcdmd
                      gcdmd commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Sometimes I copy and paste into a Word document and then edit and copy and paste into the AR reply or comment.

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