Jokes!

[MBMorgan]

Jerod Broussard , I believe that this just might be yours:

[MBMorgan]

Just in case our Aussie friends are feeling ignored ():

[tbob4]

If you are not familiar with The Onion - it is a satirical online news source. Every once in awhile, you find yourself laughing at something that is comical because it hits home. This was in the the Onion from Fathers Day a couple of years ago:

VILLANOVA, PAβ€”Confirming that it is the single most frequent thought on fathers’ minds, a study released Monday by researchers at Villanova University found that the average dad thinks about sealing in meat’s juices between four and five hours per day. β€œOur research indicates that the typical dad thinks about sealing the juices into steaks, burgers, chops, and other meats hundreds of times over a typical 24-hour period,” lead researcher Marissa Gerard said of the study, which tracked how often fathers in their 40s pondered bringing a grill to high heat, searing the surface of a steak, and then pulling it off at just the right time to retain a juicy red color inside. β€œWhether a father is at work, at home, or already marinating another meat, roughly every six seconds on average, his mind starts drifting to thoughts of using charcoal or gas flames to create an evenly browned surface on a cut of meat that traps the juices inside. In a lifetime, he might spend 15 years thinking about how to prevent those juices from escaping.” The study also found that a significant number of test subjects reported spending up to eight additional hours per day thinking about getting those perfect diagonal grill marks.

[Craigar]

I just saw a donkey crossing the road. He looked both ways before crossing. What a Smart Ass!

[RonB]

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.

But the invention of the broom swept the nation.

[Craigar]

I just stumbled upon this one and it still has me giggling like a little school girl:

Grandma Still Drives --


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and
still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad I had to leave them after all the love we had shared..

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma

[Mudkat]

I think I've been at that intersection

[Breadhead]

......

[Willy]

I hope this doesn't qualify as political to anyone. It actually came to me via a yuge Trump supporter:

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

[Breadhead]

......

[FireMan]

What's the difference between a duck? ...................................one foot looks like both of them!

[RonB]

A little girl was looking at her very pregnant mother and said:

"Mommy, you sure are fat."

Mommy sez:

"Mommy's not fat - remember I have a baby growing in my tummy."

The little girl looks at Mommy again and sez:

"Are you growing a baby in your butt too?"

[Willy]

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.


The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops, although they do make me look a bit gay.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Mounds...

[Breadhead]

......

[JCBBQ]

Couple jokes. My apologies if they're too risquΓ© for The Pit:

What's worse than Ants in Your Pants?
Uncles

What do you call flying solo in the Mile High Club?
A highjacking

How does a cannibal say hello?
He offers you a handshake