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    When I saw the Elton's BBQ thread "Pimp Your Sausage" I had to giggle thinking about what is going on in these neck of the woods: http://www.omaha.com/news/crime/upda...9cf6a6ba1.html

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      Forgive me if this one has already made the post…

      A man whose car breaks down knocks on a farmer’s door and asks to use the phone (yep it’s an old joke before cell phones, Walmart, and Amazon). As he’s talking to the farmer the man sees a pig with a wooden leg running around out in the yard. “Whoa! Look at that pig with a wooden leg” the man says in wonderment. The farmer looks at him firmly and says “Let me tell you something about that pig. Late one night me and the misses and the little ones were fast asleep when the house caught fire. Out of nowhere that pig busted down the front door, ran up the stairs, through the smoke and flames, and came squealing into each of our rooms. He woke us up just in time to get us all out safely. Saved our life that pig did.”

      “Wow!” “Is that how he lost his leg?” “Lose it in the fire?” The man asked. “Nope” said the farmer. “Let me tell you something else about that pig. One day I heard a tremendous cracking sound in the barn where my youngest was jumping in the hay. I looked over and saw that pig run into the barn, grab him by the pants leg, and pull him out of harm’s way just before a big beam came crashing down. It landed right where my boy was playing. Saved his life that pig did.”

      “Unbelievable!” The man said. “What happened? Did the beam hit in the leg?” “Is that why he has a wooden leg?”

      “Nah, that beam never touched him or my boy” said the farmer. “I’ll tell you one more thing about that pig. One day I was coming back from plowing the field. A huge thunderstorm was coming up so I was going a little too fast through the turn when the tractor flipped over. Again that pig came out of nowhere and pulled me away just before the tractor landed on me and crushed me to death.”

      “Man” “Is that how he hurt his leg?” The man asked again in disbelief.

      “No. No. No.” The farmer said. Not a scratch on either one of us.”

      “Please tell me” said the man. “I have to know. How did he lose that leg?”

      The farmer looked at him for a minute and said, "Well, a good pig like that you just can’t eat all at once!”

      - Mudkat

      Comment


        Why did the blonde snort Sweet n Low? She thought it was Diet Coke.

        Comment


          I'm going to hell for this one. Just kidding all.

          Comment


          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            Haha! I love it! 😂

          • Notavegan
            Notavegan commented
            Editing a comment
            Keep them comin Shane!! That's hilarious.

          Out of beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

          Comment


          • Willy
            Willy commented
            Editing a comment
            I must be slow.

          • kmhfive
            kmhfive commented
            Editing a comment
            It's a math thing.

          • JCGrill
            JCGrill commented
            Editing a comment
            This one must be making the rounds, I heard it the other day.

          I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

          Comment


          • fracmeister
            fracmeister commented
            Editing a comment
            I have used this many times...

          A drunken, totally naked woman jumped into a taxi.

          The driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
          He made no attempt to start the cab.

          "What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"

          "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper,
          where I am coming from..."

          "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

          "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself,
          where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

          Comment


            I got kicked out of the secret cooking society...

            For spilling the beans.
            Last edited by RonB; June 1, 2017, 08:30 PM.

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            ......

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              Click image for larger version

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              Nope...

              Comment


              • Spinaker
                Spinaker commented
                Editing a comment
                This is awesome.

              I studied theatre in college. This joke is so true:

              College student comes home for the holidays and says "Mom, Dad- I have something to tell you. I'm a lesbian."

              The mom & dad go nuts. Yell at the daughter. Ask her how she could do this to the family. Wail. Cry. Moan.

              The girl says "Mom, Dad- it's no big deal. Lots of women are gay these days?"

              The mom & dad look at her and say "You're gay? Oh, we thought you said you were a thespian."

              Comment


                'Tis the Season!

                Click image for larger version

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                • Mudkat
                  Mudkat commented
                  Editing a comment
                  ☺ Are you driving Mbmorgan?

                • RonB
                  RonB commented
                  Editing a comment
                  And the water looks really, no really not clean...

                • Henrik
                  Henrik commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Proper tailgating!

                I know this has been around , BUT:
                You're riding a horse that's going as fast as it can. On your left side, a zebra is keeping up with you. Behind you, a ostrich and a lion are also keeping up with you. You look to the right and there is a deep ravine. You're getting scared with all these wild animals around you, so what do you do? Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round and go home!
                Last edited by OmegaDog12; June 4, 2017, 02:32 PM.

                Comment


                • Notavegan
                  Notavegan commented
                  Editing a comment
                  That was a noob for me.

                  As I was reading it, I was thinking that "on your right your wife is keeping pace with you".

                Allright, I'm on a roll. A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette and smiling. The egg is pretty upset and says, "Well, now we know the answer to THAT question!"

                Comment


                • Spinaker
                  Spinaker commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Hahaha

                • Mudkat
                  Mudkat commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Finally!

                Last one - I promise. A kindly old professor is in his office. A gorgeous young female student comes in and says,"Professor, I can't fail any more courses. I'll flunk out of school and my family will be embarrased. Also, I'll probably have to get a real job and I really love school. I have a failing grade in your class and I'd like to know if there is ANYTHING I can do to get a better grade?" The kindly old professor looks over his glasses and asks, "Are you willing to do ANYTHING I ask?" She sighs and says, "Of course I'm willing to do ANYTHING!" The kindly old professor smiles and say,"Well then STUDY dammit!"

                Comment


                • gcdmd
                  gcdmd commented
                  Editing a comment
                  That actually happened to me while I was teaching at my local community college as a post-retirement part time job. My response was essentially the same.

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