Welcome!


This is a membership forum. As a guest, you can click around a bit. View 5 pages for free. If you would like to participate, please join.

[ Pitmaster Club Information | Join Now | Login | Contact Us ]

There are 4 page views remaining.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Question: Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires.






    Question: Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks.

    Comment


    • kmhfive
      kmhfive commented
      Editing a comment
      Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in a cherry tree!







      Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
      Last edited by kmhfive; May 1, 2017, 11:32 PM. Reason: Typo

    • Steve Vojtek
      Steve Vojtek commented
      Editing a comment
      Have you ever seen a cherry tree where there's elephants?
      You guys almost made me choke on my cigarette... LOL

    • JCGrill
      JCGrill commented
      Editing a comment
      Ahhh, elephant jokes. You know young people these days don't know what those are?

    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

    Comment


    • Thunder77
      Thunder77 commented
      Editing a comment
      Dang! you stole it! I was going to post that one!!

    • Thunder77
      Thunder77 commented
      Editing a comment
      RonB is SOLELY responsible for the content of that joke...

    • EdF
      EdF commented
      Editing a comment
      Why did that remind me of some past real life?

    What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

    A labracadabrador.

    Comment


      You can't tell puns to kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally...

      Comment


      • EdF
        EdF commented
        Editing a comment
        That got a LoL!

      • Thunder77
        Thunder77 commented
        Editing a comment
        that's one of my favorites. :-)



      The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

      The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

      The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

      Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

      'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

      The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again…

      'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

      The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

      And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

      Comment


        While walking down the street one day a Congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

        His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

        'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

        'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

        'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

        'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the Congressman.

        'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

        Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

        They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

        Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & a nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

        Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

        The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

        'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

        So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

        'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

        The Congressman reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

        So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

        Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

        He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

        The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the Congressman.

        'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

        What happened? '

        The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....

        Today you voted!

        Comment


          We have this Subway commercial on TV here right now and I think its funny: https://streamable.com/nqgp

          While I was looking for it I also found an American version of the same add: https://youtu.be/k4G2JY1UCpA

          Hahahaha they are almost identical. I wish my pulled pork would finish in only 5 hours....

          Comment


            A politician was sent to hell, (who'd a thunk it), and he was greeted by the devil. The devil told him that they didn't do the torturing any more and that they let them pick their own punishment for eternity. Just walk down this hallway and open a door and see if you want to stay in there. He opens the first door and there's a river of fire and people screaming in pain. The guy closes the door. He goes to the next one and opens it. There's a bunch of people standing chest deep in poop drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. The guy says this doesn't look too bad and the devil points him to the coffee and cigarettes and tells him to wade on in. The politician gets settled in and is sipping his coffee when the devil yells,"Breaks over! Back on your heads."

            Comment


              A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

              The waitress asks them for their orders.

              The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
              "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

              A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

              "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

              The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

              Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

              This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual asks the waitress?"

              "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

              Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

              Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

              The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

              "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

              I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

              "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

              "That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
              The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

              The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."

              Comment


              • kmhfive
                kmhfive commented
                Editing a comment
                Ha!!!!! That's good.

              • Huskee
                Huskee commented
                Editing a comment
                Awesome!

              On her birthday, a young woman wasn’t sure what her boyfriend had planned. During a work lunch that afternoon, she ate three plates of beans, which she had a feeling would be a huge mistake…

              When she got home, her boyfriend had prepared a special dinner for her, using a fantastic recipe he had found on amazingribs.com. So he blindfolded her and sat her at the table. When their house phone rang, he had to answer it, but she promised not to remove the blindfold while he took the call. At that moment, the three plates of beans she had for lunch finally caught up with her and the pressure was becoming unbearable; so while her boyfriend was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

              While she could hear her boyfriend talking on the phone she went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! When the call ended, she attempted to air the room out by waving a napkin around. Then she told her boyfriend she hadn’t peeked.

              At this point, he removed the blindfold, and 12 dinner guests seated around the table with their hands to their noses chorused, ‘Happy Birthday.'

              Comment


              • Thunder77
                Thunder77 commented
                Editing a comment
                I like that you gave AR a plug there! 😁

              So there’s these two beavers. One is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he’s hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says, “Joe what are you doing?”



              Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.”



              Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”

              Comment


              • Spinaker
                Spinaker commented
                Editing a comment
                That is excellent. Hahahahahahahaha. Well done sir!

              • Thunder77
                Thunder77 commented
                Editing a comment
                Ohhhhhhhhhh that is soooooooo bad!

              • EdF
                EdF commented
                Editing a comment
                ... for some definition of "excellent"!

              How far can pirate ships travel?
              15 miles to the galleon.

              Comment


                Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.

                One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

                The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

                The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'

                She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

                PLEASE TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US............LOL

                Comment


                • Steve Vojtek
                  Steve Vojtek commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Haha it reminds me of some really busy days at work when I go to get a part and when I get to the store I forget what I was getting. Or where I left my spanner....

                • EdF
                  EdF commented
                  Editing a comment
                  You don't have to be old to have those!

                • Atalanta
                  Atalanta commented
                  Editing a comment
                  or as we say, "I was doin' something ......"

                Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening flight from Londom to St. Louis, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:

                Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

                When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 8 hour flight.

                Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

                Comment


                  Heh, heh.

                  Comment


                  • Craigar
                    Craigar commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Ha! I hear that one on a nightly basis.

                Announcement

                Collapse
                No announcement yet.
                Working...
                X
                false
                0
                Guest
                500
                ["pitmaster-my-membership","login","join-pitmaster","lostpw","reset-password","special-offers","help","nojs","meat-ups","gifts","authaau-alpha","ebooklogin-start","alpha","start"]
                false
                false
                {"count":0,"link":"/forum/announcements/","debug":""}
                Yes
                Rubs Promo
                Meat-Up in Memphis