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    My wife said if I was a food I would be a mushroom... I took offense until she said it was because I was such a fungi...

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    • Foehn Watts
      Foehn Watts commented
      Editing a comment
      SSSSssssss!

    Coincidence?

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    • Foehn Watts
      Foehn Watts commented
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      'gators know where they're going to get fed.

    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
      Editing a comment
      Hail, reckon them gators posted th dang sign...

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      A LITTLE-KNOWN FACT IS THAT WHILE JEWS MAKE UP ABOUT 2% OF THE U.S. POPULATION, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THEY MADE UP ~50% OF THE FAMOUS COMEDIANS (ACCORDING TO A UC BERKELEY PROFESSOR WHO STUDIES HUMOR).

      You may remember the old Jewish Catskill Comics of Vaudeville days:


      Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others.

      There was not one single swear word in their comedy.

      Here are a few examples:

      * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

      * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

      * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
      "Honey, I'm home!"

      * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

      * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

      * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

      * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

      * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

      * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

      * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

      * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"


      * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer it!"

      * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

      * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

      * The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

      *There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

      Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
      A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

      Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
      A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

      A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

      A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

      Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

      Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
      "Force yourself," she replied.

      Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
      A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

      Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
      A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

      A-a-h! Memories of the good ole days!

      Comment


      • 58limited
        58limited commented
        Editing a comment
        Henny Youngman: "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." "Take my wife, Please!"

      • Bbqmikeg
        Bbqmikeg commented
        Editing a comment
        A Jewish man overhears a couple of gentile business men talking. One asks “How’s business?” The other guy says “Great!” (Jerry Seinfeld said gentiles don’t get this joke.)

      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
        Editing a comment
        love em, one an all!!!

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      Take the time to read the ad copy! 🤣

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      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
        Editing a comment
        Now We Talkin!!!

      • SheilaAnn
        SheilaAnn commented
        Editing a comment
        You know, because an Information Council is needed for lard.

      • Bbqmikeg
        Bbqmikeg commented
        Editing a comment
        Pork concentrate!

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      • Donw
        Donw commented
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        I always laugh when I see our trash service truck drive away. Over the rear compactor is the sign, “We Cater Too.”

      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        Donw Now that is funny! Great sense of humour.

      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
        Editing a comment
        Probly should add me some cheese an crackers to my Roadside Emergency gear, eh?

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        Beer is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and settles in the waist.

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        • SheilaAnn
          SheilaAnn commented
          Editing a comment
          Shut up! 🤣🤣🤣

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          Comment


            OK kids … it’s time for Things I Can’t Unsee:

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            You're welcome …

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            • ofelles
              ofelles commented
              Editing a comment
              Thanks for this.........not!!!

            • tbob4
              tbob4 commented
              Editing a comment
              Those are terrible!!!! HA. I’m sending them on to more than a few people.


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                • Panhead John
                  Panhead John commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Good jokes there! I’m sorry but every time I see your avatar it makes me think you’re gonna try and sell me some insurance.
                  😉
                  Last edited by Panhead John; October 1, 2021, 10:37 AM.

                • Chuck in Charlotte
                  Chuck in Charlotte commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Can you really use a Roomba as a lazy susan, and what are the prongs strapped to the wine bottle?

                • ComfortablyNumb
                  ComfortablyNumb commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Chuck in Charlotte I can't believe you don't know what that is. It's a cooling jacket, you plug it into a piping system that circulates a cooling liquid to chill the wine. Unplug and serve.

                  BTW, I have a bridge in Charlotte I'd like to sell. You could make millions.

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