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            A man went to the doctor. He said, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
            The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”
            “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on.” The doctor asked.
            “That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
            The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say “Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!”
            “Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
            “Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.
            The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can.”
            I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
            “I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places.”

            Apologies to Tiger...

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            • ComfortablyNumb
              ComfortablyNumb commented
              Editing a comment
              Only Tiger's leg is asking for several thousands of dollars, and he's going to pay it!

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              Wow, how convenient! I hope they remembered the buffalo sauce.


              via

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              • Locotech
                Locotech commented
                Editing a comment
                now there, is NO luck.

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              Maybe a little edgy....

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                • HawkerXP
                  HawkerXP commented
                  Editing a comment
                  It drives my son nuts that I need to turn the music down to back up.

                • Foehn Watts
                  Foehn Watts commented
                  Editing a comment
                  They for got to add the mummified dog in #6.

                • Bogy
                  Bogy commented
                  Editing a comment
                  HawkerXP My car automatically turns the music down when I back up!


                The Van Gogh Family Tree
                His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

                The brother who ate prunes--------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

                The brother who worked at a convenience store -------Stop N Gogh

                The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------U Gogh

                His magician uncle --------------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

                His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

                The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

                The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------------- Wells-far Gogh

                The constipated uncle ----------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

                The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh

                The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

                An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------------- Way-to-Gogh

                The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------- Poe Gogh

                A sister who loved disco ------------------------------------- Go Gogh

                The brother with low back pain-------------------------------Lum Bay Gogh

                And his niece who travels the country in an RV -------- Winnie Bay Gogh

                The frequent visiting nephew---------------------------------Come And Gogh


                There ya' Gogh




















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                  SHOULD I CANCEL MY CREDIT CARD BEFORE I DIE?
                  Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
                  A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
                  The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
                  Here is the exchange :
                  Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
                  Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
                  Family Member : 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
                  Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
                  Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
                  Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
                  Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

                  Citibank : 'Excuse me?'
                  Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
                  Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
                  Supervisor gets on the phone:

                  Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
                  Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
                  Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
                  Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
                  Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
                  Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
                  Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
                  After they get the fax :

                  Citibank: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
                  Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
                  Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
                  (What is wrong with these people?!?)

                  Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
                  Citibank : 'That might help....'
                  Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
                  Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
                  Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
                  (Priceless!!)

                  Comment


                  • Bogy
                    Bogy commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Saving this for reference. I'll be needing it soon. But this is the Jokes thread, so that's enough said.

                  • surfdog
                    surfdog commented
                    Editing a comment
                    My mother had a similar encounter with the DMV after her mum passed.

                  A lawyer went to the hospital for a serious surgical procedure. When he woke up in his room, the blinds were closed, the drapes were pulled and the room was almost in total darkness.

                  He asked the nurse "why is my room so dark?"

                  The nurse replied "the building next door is on fire and we didn't want you to wake up thinking the surgery was a failure.

                  Comment


                    Panhead Bruce, a Californian, was a lifelong environmentalist. One day he was just sick of the world, with Covid, Brexit, Russia, China, global warming, political tension, and the rest of the disturbing news every day.

                    He drove his car into his garage and sealed the door and the garage windows. He then got into the car, turned on his favorite radio station, rolled down the car windows, and started the motor.

                    Four days later a neighbor became concerned when they hadn't seen Bruce and called the police for a welfare check.
                    They found Bruce in the garage, and drug him out of the car.

                    After a few sips of water Bruce was fine but his Tesla had a dead battery!

                    Comment


                    • Panhead John
                      Panhead John commented
                      Editing a comment
                      ofelles Thank God! I look forward to a good nights sleep tonight.

                    • Bogy
                      Bogy commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Panhead John, maybe if you'd drink more it would help you relax.

                    • Panhead John
                      Panhead John commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Bogy Yeah. That’s just what y’all need here in the pit. A PJ who drinks even more.

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                    • Red Man
                      Red Man commented
                      Editing a comment
                      I’m pretty sure I can’t do it.

                    • SheilaAnn
                      SheilaAnn commented
                      Editing a comment
                      I’d crush this!

                    • Mr. Bones
                      Mr. Bones commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Made it halfway, then caved...

                    This was in my Inbox, made me giggle a little, hope it lives up the resident corniness here 😁


                    There is an important lesson here.



                    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

                    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

                    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

                    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

                    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

                    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

                    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

                    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

                    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

                    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

                    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

                    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

                    Comment


                    • willxfmr
                      willxfmr commented
                      Editing a comment
                      That one is getting saved and shared!

                    • RichieB
                      RichieB commented
                      Editing a comment
                      OK, another one that I would fear great harm if shared on FB.

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