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Jokes!

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    Three blondes are walking through the woods. Shortly into their walk, they find tracks on the ground.

    "Look at the size of these rabbit tracks!" Said the first blonde.

    "You moron, those are raccoon tracks." Said the second blonde.

    "You two are so stupid, these are obviously coyote tracks!" Said the third blonde.

    Two minutes later, they were all run over by a train.

    Comment


      I thought of Panhead John when I saw this. . .

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      • ofelles
        ofelles commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you for that. You just never know what you don't know.

      • HawkerXP
        HawkerXP commented
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        RL

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      • JimLinebarger
        JimLinebarger commented
        Editing a comment
        That one is hanging up next to my monitor.

      What has four letters,

      sometimes 9 letters,

      but never has 5 letters.

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      • HawkerXP
        HawkerXP commented
        Editing a comment
        You, has 3 letters

      • Foehn Watts
        Foehn Watts commented
        Editing a comment
        I like this one!

      • wu7y
        wu7y commented
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        It took me a bit to get it but I've been busy recovering from a broken neck.

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      For some reason this last one brings @Panhead John's humor to mind:

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        Why I Like Retirement!

        Question: How many days in a week?
        Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

        Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
        Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

        Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
        Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

        Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
        Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

        Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
        Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

        Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
        Answer: Tied shoes.

        Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
        Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

        Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
        Answer: NUTS!

        Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
        Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

        Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
        Answer: Normal.

        Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
        Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.

        Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
        Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


        Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
        'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
        'Two years older than me'.
        'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
        She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
        Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
        'And what do you think is the best thing
        about being 104?' the reporter asked...
        She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
        The nice thing about being senile is
        you can hide your own Easter eggs
        and have fun finding them.
        I've sure gotten old!
        I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
        make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
        blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
        Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
        But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.
        I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
        join a fitness club and start exercising.
        I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
        I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
        by the time I got my leotards on,
        the class was over.
        My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
        Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
        Know how to prevent sagging?
        Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
        It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
        These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
        THE SENILITY PRAYER:

        Grant me the senility to forget the people
        I never liked anyway, the good fortune

        to run into the ones I do, and the

        eyesight to tell the difference.

        Comment


        • Foehn Watts
          Foehn Watts commented
          Editing a comment
          Bogy - and still " There is not enough time to get everything done."!
          Last edited by Foehn Watts; January 21, 2021, 01:50 PM.

        • Bogy
          Bogy commented
          Editing a comment
          Foehn Watts Ya got that right. Good thing I only work that hour a week, because I've taken my wife to two doctor's appointments this week, and it's eaten into my goofing off time something terrible.

        • Foehn Watts
          Foehn Watts commented
          Editing a comment
          Bogy --Gorsh, I feel your pain--around here we are goofing off, procrastinating, and dinking around constantly. Stuff that needs to get done never gets done because it is at the bottom of the list of napping, zoning in front of the tube, looking up obscure stuff on the net, looking for good jokes . . . We don't even have things like doctor's appoinments. For the last several weeks the only place I have been is the grocery store and my sister's.

        More funny signs..
        Attached Files

        Comment


        • Clark
          Clark commented
          Editing a comment
          Panhead John You're on a roll! Keep it up.

        • Mosca
          Mosca commented
          Editing a comment
          LOL, some good ones here!

        I saw this on a t-shirt. Sounds really familiar . . .

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          • Donw
            Donw commented
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            I’m not sure I have the gumption to even aim to meet those goals. Maybe next year?

          • Foehn Watts
            Foehn Watts commented
            Editing a comment
            Donw - you could always put 'em on a "to-do" list. And lose the list. That's what I do.

          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            I make it a point never to do the first thing on my wife's to-do list for me. If I do one, she adds three more to the bottom.

          A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

          Comment


          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            I heard it was his mother in law. Also gets me in less trouble when I tell it that way.

          • Foehn Watts
            Foehn Watts commented
            Editing a comment
            @Bogy-- 'tis better to be safe than sorry!

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            • Clark
              Clark commented
              Editing a comment
              Panhead John You sure live in a weird neighborhood!

            • Panhead John
              Panhead John commented
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              Clark I know! I’m moving away from Cowshit Lane. I hear it’s a lot nicer and fancier living on Snot Road.
              Last edited by Panhead John; January 22, 2021, 08:06 PM.

            • Clark
              Clark commented
              Editing a comment
              Panhead John Slick move on your part. After your move, then you should be closer to your brother......Phlegmhead Joe.

            if you've seen the "Bernie sitting" photoshops flying around the internet, this one is pretty funny

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            • Panhead John
              Panhead John commented
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              Saw the Bernie pics this morning on the news. Good meme!

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            • Panhead John
              Panhead John commented
              Editing a comment
              😂😂 It took me a minute, but worth it!

            • Clark
              Clark commented
              Editing a comment
              LMAO

            • Foehn Watts
              Foehn Watts commented
              Editing a comment
              Nothin' like a good, um, ah, number 2 joke!

            In really sad news today, Jessica Biel announced that she would not be naming her baby Batmo

            Comment


            • Stuey1515
              Stuey1515 commented
              Editing a comment
              That's gold mate, genuine lol from me haha

            • jharner
              jharner commented
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              Why did batman get into the batmobile and speed to the bat cave ..................He had to go to the batroom

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