Jokes!

[surfdog]

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, “When I am about to take a shot, it’s like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot.”

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, “When I am about to throw a dart, it’s like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it.”

Later, he got into a fight with another guy at the bar.

He threw a punch and missed badly.

I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch.




He said, “There is no punch line.”

[Mr. Bones]

Since almost everybody's bigger than me, I often opt fer th butt end of th pool cue, in such situations...tends to extinguish trending volatility, in an opponent...

Jus sayin...

[JCGrill]

On that we agree. 😝

[Bogy]

I've got a pool table, but right now it's covered with a ping pong table. Grandkids are 10, 8, 8, 5 and 4, and at this point I would much rather have them learning ping pong than messing with the felt on my pool table. Pretty soon I'll have to start brushing up on my pool so when it comes time to teach them that I can beat them. At least for a while.

[surfdog]

As many of you know, I fly a lot. A lot.

Anyway the person sitting next to me on a flight was an attractive woman.

Ever the charmer, I used one of my “best” lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to a good-looking man?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”




ROFL WAIT?! What?!

[Panhead John]

Much better than your first one. 😂

[ComfortablyNumb]

My credit card has a picture of me on it. When a store clerk looks at it to verify my identity I say, "Nobody else could be that ugly." Usually I get something like 'don't say that' or 'it's not ugly' Best comeback ever was when this young lass replies, "You know what they say, the customer is always right!"

[ofelles]

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?

If corn oil is made from corn,
and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

[Mr. Bones]

How bout Chinese Seasonin, Italian Seasonin, Cajun Seasonin, etc., or Vegetarian Broth???

Alla those have me kinda concerned, an cornfused, as to their contents, quite frankly...

[JimLinebarger]

little seals.

[Bogy]

And what are Girl Scout cookies made from?

[jharner]

Well since corn is a vegetable I am guessing very young corn.

[Panhead John]

[Panhead John]

😭😭😭 Mr. Clark, please revisit this joke after having a few beers. That might help with your early morning, grouchy pants demeanor. This is now 3 of my jokes in the last week you have not liked. I’m beginning to have feelings of humoristic inadequacy. This joke has gotten 5 likes so far.....a CL at least, would go a long way to soothing my hurt feelings 😉

[Clark]

Panhead John Semi-CL

[Panhead John]

Thanks...Cuz! 😂

[surfdog]

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not ...?

[Mark V]

You would recognize it then?

[Fire Chicken]

You wouldn't know what to put on that day?! Lol

[Clark]

When I took my dog for our morning walk, I decided to go a different route so we headed toward the State Mental Hospital.

As we neared the fenced-in facility I heard a group of voices saying "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."

About that time I spotted a knothole in the fence and, being curious, leaned down and peaked thru the knothole.

Someone then poked a finger in my eye!

Then I heard "Fifteen, Fifteen, Fifteen"

[ComfortablyNumb]

So I then pulled out my pocket knife, leaned towards the knothole, and cut off the finger when it poked through. Then said, "Minus one, minus one, minus one."

[Clark]

Check my math:

111,111,111 X 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Who woulda thunk it!

[Panhead John]

You should have stopped while you were ahead.
😂

[jharner]

my calculator said error

[Fire Chicken]

You are correct sir!!
Most of the people I work with think when you count it goes 74, 38, 79 , 78!
Thanks, that made my day......
Good stuff

[Panhead John]

Fun Facts Most People Didn’t Know!

[glitchy]

I would love an MP-5, my favorite CoD weapon in several versions of the game...yes...I really do play (too many) video game...that is the one true fact I snuck in PHJ's goofy thread a while back...PHJ any connections on acquiring one?

[Panhead John]

I have military connections in Libya. What do you want glitchy ?

[surfdog]

Laughed way too hard at the last one. LOL

Did you know: I used to carry an MP-5K on occasion. ;-)

[Mosca]

Got it from a Brit...

[Bogy]

Mosca, I'll have to mention this to my British son in law. He will probably point out to me that his "traditional British food" is a tie between fish and chips and curry. Spicy curry. Although now they are in competition with his favorite American food, brisket smoked on the pellet burner I talked him into getting when the gasser we gave them as a wedding present wore out.

[Mosca]

[Stuey1515]

There's those vegan burgers again, it's a frittata , just call it what it is

[ComfortablyNumb]

Stuey1515 Do you really want us to call it what it is? Really?

Okay, how about male bovine defecation!

[Foehn Watts]

I don't know 'bout you all, but I consider it a challenge to cook *something* vegan or vegetarian for a get-together. And I don't tell 'em it's vegan or vegetarian. I mean there's so much meat, lots of times the vegan-veg stuff goes just as fast or faster-first. Which means I have more meat leftover (there's a method to my madness).

[Panhead John]

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.



A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f***ing potatoes!"

[Bogy]

A few weeks ago I said if people (other than me) kept telling preacher jokes I might have to leave! lol

[jharner]

Helped with youth mission trips in the 90's on Navajo reservations and spent time in Page Arizona. The kids ( teenagers ) really got a kick going to the Damn bar and grill and other stores with the Damn name.

[JCGrill]

In Minnesota we have Gull Lake, and wouldn't you know there's a dam at the outlet. A brewery (now closed) opened up calling itself Gull Dam Brewing. When you walked in they would say, "How about a Gull Dam beer?"

[Foehn Watts]

Wow. Now I've seen it too:

[JimLinebarger]

Hummmmm... I lived on Guam for almost 3 years and my wife lived there over 9 years. We never saw any live stock 'cept chickens and I thinks some wild pigs. Could be wrong, but never saw or smelled beef/buffalo. Lots of snakes that cause power outages and bats (served at birthdays of weddings).

[Fire Chicken]

Foehn Watts I apologise, was just trying to make a joke. Didn't mean to offend anyone.
I live out in the sticks where there's more wildlife and livestock than humans, and I enjoy it. I love watching the animals, have gamecam now to maybe get a pic of a mountain lion, bobcat, bear, etc..
May I say I'm sorry, it's a very cool pic. Sorry 😔

[Foehn Watts]

Oh, man! Fire Chicken you have me all wrong! No offense taken!!! I wish I lived out in the sticks; way back we coulda, but then the husband would've had a 3 hour commute to and from. It just cracks me up that all these people want a big house, big lot but then don't do anything with the place.

We and neighbor do see deer, bobcats, coyotes, rabbits, squirrels, hawks, eagles, owls, mountain lions, porcupines, raccoons, and bears. I've not seen lions or bears, but want to. No offense taken. :-)

[RonB]

[SheilaAnn]

“Don’t hang up....”

[Fire Chicken]

I'm with glitchy on this

[JCGrill]

You definitely should hang up so you can clear the line for the call from the Social Security Administration.

[Panhead John]

[glitchy]

CL

[SheilaAnn]

CL

[Foehn Watts]

CL