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Jokes!

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    Twas the Night After Christmas

    'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
    The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
    The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
    And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

    The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
    The worst Christmas they said they'd had in their life.
    My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
    So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

    When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
    I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
    He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws
    And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

    I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
    And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
    Then the Sheriff, he said, "The man was shot at last night."
    I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

    The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
    That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
    He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
    I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

    "It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said.
    "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
    I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
    Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

    Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
    It wouldn't have been the first time I've spent New Years in jail.
    I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
    And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

    When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
    I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
    But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
    And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

    Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
    A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
    Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed up my gun,
    When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

    And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'.
    I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
    So I yelled, "Drop, fat boy, hands in the air!"
    But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

    So I popped a warning shot over his head.
    Well he dropped that bag and jumped in that sled.
    And as he flew off I heard him extort,
    "That's assault with intent, Roy, I'll see ya in court."

    Comment


    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
      Editing a comment
      ROFLMAO!!!!

      Thanks!!! Made My Whole Week!, Brother!

    • Donw
      Donw commented
      Editing a comment
      Now that was good!

    • SheilaAnn
      SheilaAnn commented
      Editing a comment
      I don’t care where you’re from, ‘at there’s funny!

    My neighbor took the Pfizer vaccine on Pfriday. He says he is pfeeling pfine and says the nurse was pfantastic. He says he hasn't had any pfever so pfar.

    Comment


    • Clark
      Clark commented
      Editing a comment
      I forgot to mention that he said he has to go back pfor a pfollow-up on the pfirst Pfriday in Pfebruary.

    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
      Editing a comment
      pfagiddabouttit lol!

    • gcdmd
      gcdmd commented
      Editing a comment
      If he develops pfever he should soak his head and pfeet under a Pfister pfaucet.
      Last edited by gcdmd; December 30, 2020, 04:47 PM.



    SERIOUS LOCK DOWN ADVICE
    Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
    I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my Pepsi, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
    I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
    In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
    The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
    The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”
    We will survive!!

    Comment


    • Clark
      Clark commented
      Editing a comment
      I bet your carpet floored you and then your roof tried to top that!

    • Panhead John
      Panhead John commented
      Editing a comment
      My garage got mad at me. Said I was just using her.
      Last edited by Panhead John; December 29, 2020, 07:49 AM.

    • SheilaAnn
      SheilaAnn commented
      Editing a comment
      What a timely post! I was just chatting with the blender and she to mix it up a bit to break the monotony.

    Click image for larger version

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    Comment


    • Panhead John
      Panhead John commented
      Editing a comment
      😂😂😂

    • Donw
      Donw commented
      Editing a comment
      Of course I didn’t share this one with all my kids and grandkids.😉

    • gcdmd
      gcdmd commented
      Editing a comment
      An old Model A'er says thanks.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    I went to a bookstore and asked the information lady "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

    Comment


    • surfdog
      surfdog commented
      Editing a comment
      Reminds me of this...
      What’s the scariest thing to read in Braille? Danger, do not touch!

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic that suffers from insomnia?

    He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

    Comment


    • Steve R.
      Steve R. commented
      Editing a comment
      Oldie but goody!

    We were informed last night we are back to level 3 (from 5) and that invoves a complete ban on the sale of alcohol with immediate effect.
    So this is our only option until the stores reopen.

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    • holehogg
      holehogg commented
      Editing a comment
      Panhead John I believe some of the reasons are the taverns get out of hand and people loose all inhibition. There are a lot of alcohol related fights stabings etc and drunk driving is responsible for many road accidents. So it's meant to supposedly prevent any unnecessary hospitalisations.

    • Panhead John
      Panhead John commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks. I totally get it now. We impose the same restrictions at my family get togethers.
      Last edited by Panhead John; December 29, 2020, 11:07 PM.

    • Stuey1515
      Stuey1515 commented
      Editing a comment
      A leading alcohol retailer over here put limits on purchases during April 2020. Limits were lifted in May as they had their worst month sales ever. 100% fact, I love Oz!



    Comment


    • ofelles
      ofelles commented
      Editing a comment
      😁 Panhead John 👀
      Last edited by ofelles; December 29, 2020, 10:45 PM.

    • tbob4
      tbob4 commented
      Editing a comment
      Panhead John - I do not look like that. I wear red suspenders! Someone photoshopped that and changed the color

    • Panhead John
      Panhead John commented
      Editing a comment
      Luv ya man! Only you can turn that around and make it even more funny!


    Comment


    • Henrik
      Henrik commented
      Editing a comment
      The first one is gold!!

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    Comment


    • HawkerXP
      HawkerXP commented
      Editing a comment
      Too much salt!

    ...
    Attached Files

    Comment


      A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.



      “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

      The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

      The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million … and I think she could be right.”

      Saul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

      The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

      Comment


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        Comment


        • ofelles
          ofelles commented
          Editing a comment
          Not sure if I should give you a real like or a courtesy like................but I do like pork!

        • HawkerXP
          HawkerXP commented
          Editing a comment
          Oh no! Piglet! CL

        • SheilaAnn
          SheilaAnn commented
          Editing a comment
          WTF? Kinda creepy and funny all at the same time!

        Thought for the day...

        THINK

        It's what you do when you can’t thwim.

        Comment


        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit?

          Unique up on it.

          Do you know how to catch a tame rabbit?

          Tame way tupid!

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