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    Love this one
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      How does an Alchemist get his woman in the mood? Elixir!

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        ...
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              Relatable
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                • Foehn Watts
                  Foehn Watts commented
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                  That is soooo stupid.

                  LOL as I type.

                • Mosca
                  Mosca commented
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                  I was not going to share it, but every time I saw it I just thought exactly what you said. It's so stupid, and every time I see it I laugh!

                Coming soon to a back alley near you:

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                • gcdmd
                  gcdmd commented
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                  If you ever travel in Third World countries you have to carry your own TP. Every now and then you will find some local entrepreneur selling it outside the rest rooms...

                  I'll leave it to the punsters on this thread to finish this comment for me.

                • Foehn Watts
                  Foehn Watts commented
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                  Brings a new meaning to "Present your papers."

                On that subject.......
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                • ComfortablyNumb
                  ComfortablyNumb commented
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                  I now understand why non-stick coatings are sold out at the stores....

                • ofelles
                  ofelles commented
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                  πŸ€”just shaking my head!

                ,.,
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                • JCGrill
                  JCGrill commented
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                  So true.

                • wu7y
                  wu7y commented
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                  You are a cat person PJ! I knew there was something I liked about you.

                So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.

                Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?


                Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.

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                • HawkerXP
                  HawkerXP commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I'll use this tonight!

                You know the problem with Thanksgiving is always too much damn food.


                Especially the next day, with all the leftovers and sandwiches.

                I dislike it since I am trying to quit cold turkey.

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                  One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

                  He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

                  After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

                  In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

                  She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

                  "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

                  "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

                  "But, where did you get the tools?"

                  "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

                  The guy is stunned.

                  "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

                  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

                  While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

                  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
                  "Would you like a drink?"

                  "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

                  "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

                  Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

                  " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.

                  No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

                  "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

                  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

                  "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

                  He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

                  --"You've built a Golf Course too?"

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                    A dog runs up to its master carrying an unusual stick.

                    Master: "Hey boy, what do you got there?"

                    Dog: "Bark"

                    Master: "Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?"

                    Dog: "Ruff"

                    Master: "The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?"

                    Dog: "With the ladder"

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                      What's the difference between an unusual undercooked pasta, and the easing of tensions between a famous parody artist and the singers he parodies?

                      One is a weird al dente, and the other is a "Weird Al" detente.

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