Jokes!

[Clark]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. Police said he was a small medium at large.

[Thunder77]

Imagine if you will...

[surfdog]

My wife said I only have two faults.
I don’t listen and...
something else.

[RonB]

Did you see that Amazon is having a special sale of Ozzy’s music?

It’s part of their Black Sabbath Friday sales.

[Panhead John]

...

[Panhead John]

,,,

[holehogg]

[ComfortablyNumb]

Last week I had to go to Wenatchee to see an eye specialist. The building I went to housed the eye clinic and the orthopedics. It appears just getting to the doctor's office is part of the therapy.....

[PBCDad]

I am neither Lutheran nor from Minnesota, so I don't know how accurate this is - let me know. This sounds a lot like Bogy's Ole and Sven jokes so thought you might enjoy.

MN Lutheran Airlines.
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience:
- Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
- Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
- Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
- Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
- All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
- Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.
Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.
Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

[painter]

Christmas Lights Rant

Sorry about the following rant, but once again it's the time of year that I need to remind everyone: Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my bourbon, douse my joint, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to put my clothes back on. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.🎄

*Found on the interwebs

[RonB]

A priest and a retired cop have a fender bender one cold winter night. Both are shaken up but not injured. They call the police. While waiting, the retired cop notices the priest shaking a bit and goes to his trunk and pulls out a bottle. He offers it to the priest to calm him down. The priest sez he doesn't drink, but it might help him calm down, so he takes a drink and hands the bottle back. The retired cop puts the cap back on the bottle and walks towards his trunk. The priest asks if why he didn't take a drink. The retired cops answers that he will wait until after the police leave.

[ofelles]

[ComfortablyNumb]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."

[RonB]

[Clark]

Oklahoma Style Holiday Turkey Recipe:

4 cups of stale bread crumbs
1/2 cup of sage
1 cup of dried onions
2 cups stale beer
2 Tbsp salt
2 Tbsp ground pepper
1 stalk chopped celery
1 pint of fresh oysters
2 cups of unpopped popcorn

Rub the salt, pepper, and sage into the inside cavity of the turkey. Mix all remaining ingredients together well. Stuff the bird and firmly sew it shut. Bake at 475 degrees for 5 1/2 hours or until the popcorn blows the ass of the turkey.

Bon Apetit!!