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Jokes!

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    My name is Mary, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

    I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
    Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

    Could he be the same guy
    that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

    Upon seeing him, however,
    I quickly discarded any such thought.

    This balding, gray-haired man
    with the deeply lined face
    was way too old to have been my classmate.

    After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

    "Yes. Yes, I did.", he said

    I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

    "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

    "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely.

    Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, miserable s.o.b. asked...

    "What did you teach?"
    Last edited by Willy; September 15, 2016, 06:00 PM.

    Comment


      Especially for the Catholics among us:
      The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews ...with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
      The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
      "Thank you, Father", answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
      "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
      "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
      "Yes", replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

































      Comment


      • Thunder77
        Thunder77 commented
        Editing a comment
        Heard that before, but definitely worth the repeat!! 😂😂

      Must. Have. This.

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        I hope this hasn't been posted yet. From the Far Side collection...

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        • gcdmd
          gcdmd commented
          Editing a comment
          Gary Larson has a special world view, doesn't he? It's a shame he retired.

        • richinlbrg
          richinlbrg commented
          Editing a comment
          If you want to have your eyes opened, find the book of his childhood drawings. I bet some teachers were really frightened. He always looked at the world differently! LOVED his work!

        I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

        Comment


          “Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci. Roll on snare drum, everybody laugh......curtains”

          -Alan Moore (Rorshach's Journal, Watchmen)

          Comment


            I finally decided to go on a diet when I figured out that if I was murdered, the chalk outline would be a circle.

            Comment


            • SMOG MAN
              SMOG MAN commented
              Editing a comment
              I don't care who you are, that's FUNNY!

            I Mountain Man came into town to see the dentist for an abscessed tooth. The dentist told him that he would give him a shot of Novocain and fix him right up. The trapper said that he didn't need any Novocain and that the dentist could just pull the tooth. The dentist was a little skeptical but he pulled the tooth and the trapper did not even wince. The dentist told him that he had an amazing tolerance for pain. The trapper told him that the extraction was nothing compared to the worse pain that he had ever felt. The dentist asked him what the worst pain was and the trapper replied, "I was once setting a bear trap by pressing the jaws of the trap open with both feet when one of my feet slipped. The trap bounced up and slammed closed on my private parts." The dentist cringed and said that that must have been the worst. The trapped said that that was actually the SECOND worse. "What was the WORST!?", asked the dentist? The trapper replied, "Six feet later when I ran out of chain!".
            Last edited by swong13; September 23, 2016, 03:07 PM.

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              Gotta enter 6 characters.

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              • Craigar
                Craigar commented
                Editing a comment
                Ha!!!! That is definitely our house!

              • Atalanta
                Atalanta commented
                Editing a comment
                When I wanted to hide special beer from my BF I'd put it there, knowing he'd never go into it. Unfortunately he eventually found it (almost a year later though) and now its the first place he looks. LOL

              • richinlbrg
                richinlbrg commented
                Editing a comment
                +1 for our home!

              Stay safe Pit friends in FL and on the east coast....


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                What does an atheist and a glass of water have in common?

                Jesus can make them both wine

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                  A horse walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

                  See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

                  Comment


                  • johnsteen
                    johnsteen commented
                    Editing a comment
                    I like it! Sounds like a Sheldon joke off the Big Bang Theory.

                  • Atalanta
                    Atalanta commented
                    Editing a comment
                    And then sheldon would laugh and look around then start a 20 minute explanation as to why its funny.

                  I don't always make Apocalypse jokes, but when I do.........they'll have you laughing like there is no tomorrow.

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                    I can't remember if I've posted this one before (TLTSTWT = too lazy to search the whole thread) but Spinaker your joke reminded me of this meme.

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                    • Mr. Bones
                      Mr. Bones commented
                      Editing a comment
                      LOL! Thanks, Huskee! My spin on this ad campaign?

                      "I don't always drink beer... But, when I do, I guzzle! Stay wasted, My Friends!"

                    Breadhead for whatever reason you came to mind when I saw this pic this morning:

                    Comment


                    • Breadhead
                      Breadhead commented
                      Editing a comment
                      Hmmm... cute dog. Dressed nicely.👌

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