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Jokes!

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    As I get older I realize:

    1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
    2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
    3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
    4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
    5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
    6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
    7. The day the world runs out of margaritas is just too terrible to think about.
    8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
    9. "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

    Comment


    • gcdmd
      gcdmd commented
      Editing a comment
      Regarding #6:

      A friend of mine went to West Point. He and his fellow cadets had a saying, "An hour in the sack is an hour away from West Point."

    A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack. “This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter. “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded. “We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

    Comment


    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
      Editing a comment
      Lovin it, Brother!

    Latest in virus protection!

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    • JimLinebarger
      JimLinebarger commented
      Editing a comment
      Looks like he didn't keep it up to date.

    Little girl talking to her Mom, "Mom, did you want a boy or a girl?"
    "Well sweetheart, all I wanted was a back rub!"

    Comment


      PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

      ***Please Don’t be Mad at Lazy People***

      They didn’t do anything

      Comment


      • Bogy
        Bogy commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you! I appreciate the support!

      • JimLinebarger
        JimLinebarger commented
        Editing a comment
        If I do something like respond to this, does that mean I am NOT lazy?

      Do you ever wonder....

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      Comment


      • JimLinebarger
        JimLinebarger commented
        Editing a comment
        If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

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      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        That bottle needs a friend. I could be that friend.

      • DesertRaider
        DesertRaider commented
        Editing a comment
        Bogy , you steal the best jokes!

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      Comment


      • Andrrr
        Andrrr commented
        Editing a comment
        A classic that always gets me

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        NEIL DIAMOND: touching hands
        CDC: no don’t touch hands
        NEIL DIAMOND: reaching out
        CDC: please avoid that
        NEIL DIAMOND: TOUCHING YOU-
        CDC: everyone is Boston is doomed

        STING: Don't stand
        Don't stand so
        Don't stand so close to me
        CDC: Now you're talkin

        STING: Every breath you take, every step you make...
        CDC: Yes, we will be watching you.

        Proclaimers:
        But I would walk 500 miles
        and I would walk 500 more
        just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
        to fall down at your door
        CDC: Please quarantine in place

        MC Hammer: You can't touch this
        CDC: Not without proper sterilization and washing hands

        JIM MORRISON: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NOW TOUCH ME, BABY!
        CDC: That is not advised.
        JIM MORRISON: CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM NOT AFRAID?
        CDC: Immaterial.

        Phil Collins: Shes seems to have an invisible touch
        CDC: get her into quarantine immediately!

        Pink Floyd: HEY YOU
        CDC: oh hell
        Pink Floyd: out there on your own
        CDC: ok, self quarantined, not so bad
        Pink Floyd: sitting naked by the phone WOULD YOU TOUCH ME
        CDC: god damnit

        EXILE: I want to kiss you all over
        CDC: Absolutely not.
        EXILE: and over again.
        CDC: GOTTDAMNIT!!

        Alanis: Cause I got one hand in my pocket.
        CDC: Make sure it's sanitized.
        Alanis: And the other one is giving a high five.
        CDC: That's it. I quit!

        MILEY: "It's a Party in the USA!"
        CDC: "You really should avoid large gatherings."
        MILEY: "My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick!"
        CDC: "See! What did I tell you?"

        Bon Jovi: You're love is like bad medicine.
        CDC: We're actually still finding the cure.
        Bon Jovi: Bad medicine is what I need.
        CDC: It most certainly is not.

        BEATLES: Yeah you, got that something, I think you'll understand
        CDC: It's Covid-19
        BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
        CDC: Not advisable
        BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
        CDC: No

        Eddie Money: Take me home tonight!
        CDC: NO!

        Foreigner: “I’M HOT-BLOODED! Check it and see.”
        CDC: “Well, yes, we do advise constant monitoring of body tempera
        Foreigner: “I’VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE!”
        CDC: “Dear God. Why are you still singing? Can we get an ambulance here? Right away?”

        Robert Palmer: Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got.a bad case
        CDC: Oh no...
        Palmer: Of loving you
        CDC: *sigh of relief*

        Comment


        • ScottyC13
          ScottyC13 commented
          Editing a comment
          Excellent!

        • Mosca
          Mosca commented
          Editing a comment
          Yeah I stole this one.

        This is so me and my wife.

        Comment


          Washington Girl Scouts are setting up cookie sales table in front of the pot shops, currently selling about 100 boxes an hour.

          Comment


          • Mr. Bones
            Mr. Bones commented
            Editing a comment
            Bwaahaahaahaa!!! Excellent!

          Yep...that would do it.
          Attached Files

          Comment


          • JimLinebarger
            JimLinebarger commented
            Editing a comment
            That gave me a long chuckle!

          • Mr. Bones
            Mr. Bones commented
            Editing a comment
            Schnort, glad Smokey's in th other room lol!

          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there!

          In regard to ComfortablyNumb's post about Girl Scouts in Washington (where my granddaughter has been selling GS cookies, although not at the pot shops):

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          BTW, if you want your fix delivered right to your door, I have two granddaughters who are pushing...selling...cookies, and I can provide the link to order online.

          Comment


          • JCGrill
            JCGrill commented
            Editing a comment
            Darn Girl Scouts. They must put opioids in those cookies.

          From a fellow 'Softie.
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          Comment


          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            I would love to work from home for a week.

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