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Jokes!

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        Tinder dating profile??
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          I feel better about Burger King already!
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          • ScottyC13
            ScottyC13 commented
            Editing a comment
            This is why punctuation is important!

          • DesertRaider
            DesertRaider commented
            Editing a comment
            ScottyC13 Example: "Let's eat, Grandma" vs "Let's eat Grandma".

          • Smokerstoker
            Smokerstoker commented
            Editing a comment
            Maybe they will introduce the crabby patty under his strong leadership.

          A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

          He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

          When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

          The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
          "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

          It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

          The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
          One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

          When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

          So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

          The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

          The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
          He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

          One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
          All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

          When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
          condolences on your loss."

          The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

          "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

          "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

          β€œIt hasn't affected my brothers though."

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          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            That's a good joke, but of course originally, it was Ole in Minnesota, and his brother Lars was in Wisconsin and his brother Swen was in North Dakota.

          • jecucolo
            jecucolo commented
            Editing a comment
            Well every state has its trouble makers!

          • JimLinebarger
            JimLinebarger commented
            Editing a comment
            To me it works either way since it is becoming an instant classic here in my family. Even my wife said "That's a good joke!"

          Introducing Beyond Broccoli, made from 100% real pork!

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          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
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            πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

          Servers at a pub are called bartenders.

          Here in Washington we call servers at pot shops budtenders....

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          Me and a friend went hunting today and got a rabbit. We skinned it and cleaned it and cut it in half so we would each have an equal share.



          My vegan girlfriend walked in and saw us cutting the rabbit in half and got mad and told us β€œQuit splitting hares!”

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          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
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            Grooooooan!!

          Lets start off with one for the ladies.

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          • ComfortablyNumb
            ComfortablyNumb commented
            Editing a comment
            On that last one you are beyond help. I can recommend a good funeral home, though. They are really good at hiding trauma marks.

          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            frigate, if it will help, I can do a nice eulogy for you.

          The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've such a good man and your motorcycles have
          changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
          Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '
          I want to hang out with God.'
          St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
          God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the
          one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
          Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
          God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
          something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,
          and can't run without a road?'
          Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,
          but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
          God said, 'Ah, yes.'
          Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have
          some major design flaws in your invention!
          1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
          2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
          3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
          4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
          5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
          'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God,
          'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a
          few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out
          a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my
          invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these
          numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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          • ComfortablyNumb
            ComfortablyNumb commented
            Editing a comment
            Do you know what the difference is between your wife and your Harley? With the Harley you can just turn the key if you don't want to hear it.

          • DesertRaider
            DesertRaider commented
            Editing a comment
            ComfortablyNumb , I'm going to guess your wife doesn't read this section.

          • ComfortablyNumb
            ComfortablyNumb commented
            Editing a comment
            DesertRaider Can I get back to you later? ER doctors are surgically removing a cast iron skillet from my skull at present.....

          A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

          In the mean time:
          In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

          To: My loving Wife
          From: Your Departed Husband
          Subject: I've arrived!

          I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

          P.S. Sure is hot down here

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              A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

              The bartender asks, "What's with the steering wheel?"

              To which the pirate reply's:

              "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"

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                I bought a wooden whistle, but I wooden whistle.
                Then I bought a steel whistle, but I steel couldn't whistle.
                Then I bought a tin whistle, now I tin whistle.

                Yeah, I know, that's cornier than a cornfield....

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                • Craigar
                  Craigar commented
                  Editing a comment
                  And cornier than a cow pie.

                This reminds me of cookin' on my Kettle...

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                • ComfortablyNumb
                  ComfortablyNumb commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I think Blonder has an article on AR on why that happens.

                • 58limited
                  58limited commented
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                  Yep, that's my fire life.

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