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Jokes!

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    Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.

    Finally, Anna said she'd go out,but didn't know anyone.

    Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

    Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away

    Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

    There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

    Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

    She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

    He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

    The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

    She looked at him and asked: " What's with the black condom?"

    He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

    Comment


    • Huskee
      Huskee commented
      Editing a comment
      Let's keep this family friendly, please. No more racy jokes of this sort. Thank you.

    So this guy walks into a Manchester United supporters pub wearing Manchester City colours.

    The whole place went silent.

    The barman tells the guy that he’s made a huge mistake...but all is not lost.
    He says, “Here’s what were gonna do... You’re going to roll this die and if it’s a 1 through 5...a couple of the lads are going to take you out back and give you a beating. After that, we’re all good and you can drink here like a local.”

    Nevevously that guy says, “Um...ok...but what if I roll a 6”

    The barman replies, “Well, you get a free roll then don’t ya!”

    Comment


      Ol’ Bill went to see his doctor for his annual checkup...

      In the course of it he asked if would would live to be a hundred.

      The doctor asked, “Do you drink or smoke cigars?”
      ”No,” Bill says.

      ”Do you gamble? You know, bet on the horses...play cards...that sort of thing?”
      Again, “No.”

      ”Do you spend hours in the cold hunting or fishing?”
      ”Nope,” he says.

      ”Do you stay up late carousing with women?”
      ”Oh gosh no!,” says Bill.

      Finally the doctor asks, “Then why the heck do you want to live to a hundred?”

      Comment


        [Edited by Huskee]

        Comment


        • DesertRaider
          DesertRaider commented
          Editing a comment
          That wasn't funny, that was mean. I won't go on a rant, but to me, this doesn't fly.

        • Huskee
          Huskee commented
          Editing a comment
          OK, this is crosses the line. Keep in mind our forum rules and no more jokes of this type, please.

        Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?

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          • HawkerXP
            HawkerXP commented
            Editing a comment
            in a snow storm.

          • holehogg
            holehogg commented
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            Empty promises

          • gcdmd
            gcdmd commented
            Editing a comment
            Another one crossed the line.

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                A group that mastered the art of funny puns, is the Indian Hills Community of Colorado, who’ve been making regular punny roadside signage to the delight of everyone… two whit:


                The man behind the jokes is Colorado native and volunteer at the community center, Vince Rozmiarek. He made his first sign as an April Fools prank and has never looked back.

                “It is hard to keep coming up with material, but I do try.”


                Comment


                  I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling…

                  Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

                  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

                  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

                  "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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                      On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

                      Runs until Friday.

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                      • Henrik
                        Henrik commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Ha ha ha!

                      • JimLinebarger
                        JimLinebarger commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Is it for adults only, not for little squirts?

                      A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in him and they’ve not been intimate since.

                      A hospital spokesman replied: “Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”

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