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    Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are merging.

    The new company will be called Titty Titty Bang Bang.

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    • ComfortablyNumb
      ComfortablyNumb commented
      Editing a comment
      Fed Ex and UPS are also merging, the new company will be called Fed UPS.

    A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do," she replies.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that, too," she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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      Jimmy is a second grader who went to school on a day like any other day.

      His teacher was giving a lesson in math.

      She asked, “Class, if five birds are on a telephone line and one flies away, how many birds are left?”.

      All students raised their hands.

      The teacher called on Jimmy.

      “None, something must has scared the first bird so all the birds flew away.” Answered Jimmy.

      The teacher relies: “That is not correct, the answer is four. But I like the way you think.”

      The day goes on and school let’s out for the day. The teacher is saying goodbye to the students as they leave. The last one out is Jimmy.

      Jimmy says to the teacher: “Mrs. Johnson, I have a question. There are three women, each with a lollypop. One licks her lolly, the second bites her lolly, the third sucks her lolly. Which one is married?”

      Teacher replies: “The woman who is sucking the lolly.”

      “Nope. The one with the wedding ring… but I like the way you think.”

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        At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

        He said, “When I am about to take a shot, it’s like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot.”

        Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

        He said, “When I am about to throw a dart, it’s like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it.”

        Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch.

        He said, “There is no punch line.”

        Comment


        • gcdmd
          gcdmd commented
          Editing a comment
          Sounds like a Zen practitioner.

          BTW, what did the Zen practitioner say to the hot dog vendor?
          "Make me one with everything."

        As many of you know, I fly a lot. A lot.

        Anyway the person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman.
        Ever the charmer, I used one of my best lines on her.

        I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to a good-looking man?”

        “Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

        ROFL Wait, WHAT?!

        Comment


        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          My credit card has my picture on the back. When the clerk looks at it I say, "Nobody else could be that ugly." Usually it's met with things like "it's not ugly" or "don't say that." Best response ever was when a young lass said, "The customer is always right"!!

          When I was recently purchasing lumber for the chicken coop (okay, sedan) I got a 2x4 and the young lass said, "That's a stud" I replied, "It's been a long time since I've been called a stud." I think she is still laughing at it.

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        • DesertRaider
          DesertRaider commented
          Editing a comment
          Or it's someone's last day!

        A lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained, and the next, and then the next.

        After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor's house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, "Hi son, I'm your new neighbor."

        "Hi," the boy called back and waved.

        "Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?" she asked.

        With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, "Lady, how would I know? I'm only six years old!"

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        • Bogy
          Bogy commented
          Editing a comment
          My son in law feels right at home living just east of Seattle. He grew up in England.

        Two mysterious people live in my house. Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and Nobody knows who. The really mysterious part is that there are only two people living in our house these days.

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        • gcdmd
          gcdmd commented
          Editing a comment
          Take the blame and apologize. Somebody might notice.

        • JimLinebarger
          JimLinebarger commented
          Editing a comment
          gcdmd I heard nobody noticed and nobody cares. You can ask anybody.

        An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession.

        When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

        The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

        "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

        The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions,you are indeed forgiven."

        "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

        "And what is that?" asked the priest.

        "Should I tell her the war is over?''

        Comment


          Harold, an elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

          Harold replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

          The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture this late at night?"

          Harold replied, "That would be my wife."

          Comment


            Two cops sat in their patrol car out sight but where they could see the parking lot of the local watering hole. Just before closing time a fellow staggered out and headed for a car. He dropped his keys a couple of times before finding the lock. Fell down opening the door and fumbled getting his keys into the ignition. Meanwhile other patrons exited the bar and got into their cars. The cops ignored them, keeping their attention on the first fellow and patiently waiting. Soon the parking lot was empty but for the first fellow, who finally got his car started and jumped the curb driving out. The cops wasted no time, red lighting him within half a block. They pulled him out of the car, did a sobriety check, which he passed with flying colours. They even pulled out a field breathalyzer and he blew stone cold sober. Perplexed, they asked him how he had so much trouble getting into his car. He replied, "Because tonight I was the designated decoy!"
            Last edited by ComfortablyNumb; January 13, 2020, 06:25 PM.

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              I've posted this one before, but it fits the current theme and is worth, in my opinion, an encore:

              The barkeep tells the last patron, "Paddy, you have to leave, it's time to close." So Paddy gets off his barstool and BAM! falls flat on his face. So he thinks, "If I can jus' get meself to the street the fresh air will perk me up." So he crawls out of the pub to the street, stands up, and BAM! falls flat on his face. So he thinks, "If I can just get meself home I'll be good as rain." So he crawls a few blocks to his house, stands up, and BAM! falls flat on his face. So he now thinks, "If I can get me up the stairs and into bed without waking up the Missus, she'll never know and I'll be right as rain in the mornin'" So he crawls up the stairs, crawls into bed, and looks over at his wife who is sound asleep. He breathes a sigh of relief and goes to sleep. The next morning he is woken by his wife standing over him, "So you spent all night in the pub again, did you?" Terrified he replies, "What on earth makes you think that?" Sternly she says, "The barkeep just rang. He says you left your wheelchair there again."

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                Breaking news: They’re not going to make yard sticks any longer.

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                    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.

                    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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