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Jokes!

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    • Thunder77
      Thunder77 commented
      Editing a comment
      Love it!

    @RonB
    I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

    The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what is in the pills the Vet gave him, but they taste a little like peppermint.

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    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
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    • gcdmd
      gcdmd commented
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      You might be a redneck if...

    Yesterday I ate a clock
    it was very time consuming and I didn't consider seconds.

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    • JimLinebarger
      JimLinebarger commented
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      I'd give you a hand but I see you are already wound up. I'll leave now to help you save face.

    • HawkerXP
      HawkerXP commented
      Editing a comment
      booo

    • Mr. Bones
      Mr. Bones commented
      Editing a comment
      Hmmmm.
      Bet ya were ticked, after all that.

    Me: Sweet dog you got there.



    Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

    Me: Still in training, huh?

    Policeman: What do you mean?

    Me: Nevermind.

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    • Henrik
      Henrik commented
      Editing a comment
      Ha ha ha!!!

    My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.

    She drinks right out of the bottle.

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    • Henrik
      Henrik commented
      Editing a comment
      Boom!

    Apologies in advance for this one. My friend inflicted it on me, so I am passing on the enjoyment..
    Spinaker , you should love this one!
    Attached Files

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    • Henrik
      Henrik commented
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      Ha ha ha!

    • Spinaker
      Spinaker commented
      Editing a comment
      Well done sir! No better way too start the week! Thanks!

    • gcdmd
      gcdmd commented
      Editing a comment
      Ow, Ow, Ow!

    A man walks into a doctors office and the receptionist asked him what he has. He said "Shingles". So she took down his name, address, medical insurance and told him to have a seat.
    A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. "Shingles" he said. So she took down his height, weight and complete medical history and told him to wait in the examination room.
    Ten minutes later a nurse came into the examination room and asked him what he had. "Shingles " he said. So she took a blood sample, his blood pressure, an electrocardiogram, told him to take his clothes off and wait for the doctor.
    Fifteen minutes later the doctor walks into the room and asked what he had. "Shingles" he said. The doctor asked "Where?"
    He said, "I have them in the back of my truck. Where do you want them?

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      Sound advice... Click image for larger version

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        Last edited by surfdog; December 11, 2019, 07:29 PM.

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        • RichieB
          RichieB commented
          Editing a comment
          I love it. Can't say something similar might have happened. Not that egregious, but honest mistake. So glad the last 5 years of working travel went from 60% to 10%. Don't miss airports, delays and all the stuff that came with business travel.

        • surfdog
          surfdog commented
          Editing a comment
          RichieB Yeah, it’s starting to lose its charm. LOL
          I spend an inordinate amount of time traveling... I’ll get back to SoCal tomorrow and then fly out again on Tuesday. yippee

        I have tried to resist this but obviously failed miserably:

        Two hunting guides in Africa were arguing one evening over their gin and tonics about which of them was the best hunter. They couldn't resolve it and decided the best way to decide was to see which of them was the first to bag a lion the next day, The winner would receive a pint of the the finest scotch.

        Early the next morning the one hunter was outfitting his party and bearers with all the gear necessary for a successful hunt while the other sat on the veranda drinking his coffee looking very amused as they left on the hunt. After several hours they had a lion surrounded and were closing for the kill.

        As the lion broke into the open and was about to be taken by the hunting party the other hunter flew in with his airplane, leaned out of the window and machined gunned the lion thus depriving the first hunter of the win.

        The moral of the story?? The shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.

        I'll leave now.



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        • Bogy
          Bogy commented
          Editing a comment
          You really need to work on your self control! lol

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        • gcdmd
          gcdmd commented
          Editing a comment
          That reminds me of a picture along the same general line of a jack-o-lantern that has an anguished look and the knife stuck into the pumpkin where one of the eyes should be.

        Three bulls were standing at the fence as the farmer walked by and said to the hired hand that the new bull would be there the next day. The older bull said, “If that new bull thinks he is going to get any of my cows he better think again.” The middle bull said, “Well he shouldn’t be thinking he is going to get any of my cows.” The young bull said, “And if he thinks he is going to get either of my cows he surely needs to think otherwise!”

        The next day a truck arrives with the new bull. The truck is rocking back and forth and the sides are bulged out. The truck backs up to the loading chute and out steps the biggest, meanest, baddest bull anyone had ever seen. The older bull looks and says, “You know, I may have spoken to soon. I have 20 cows and that is more than I can service anyway. Certainly, I can give some to the new bull.” The middle bull says, “I also misspoke, I have 10 cows and that is more than I need. I will share some of them with him.” The young bull is pawing the ground, snorting, and bumping up against the fence, looking for a fight with the new bull. The two older bulls look down at him wide eyed and ask, “What in the world are you doing?”. The young bull replies, “I’m making sure he knows I’m a bull!”
        Last edited by bep35; December 12, 2019, 11:16 AM.

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          Purina Diet

          I have a three Labs. I was buying a large bag
          of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked
          if I had a dog? (DUH!)

          On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting
          the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up
          in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
          an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
          in both arms.

          I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
          works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
          or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
          complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
          practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

          Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
          poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
          butt and a car hit us both.

          I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
          laughing so hard!

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            OK, I found it. I won't post the picture because it is a bit gruesome, but here is the link:

            https://onlinepastrychef.wordpress.c...umpkin-knife1/

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