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        The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before the second week in the pulpit he asked the bishop how he could relax. The Bishop said, "Next week, put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should run smoothly."

        The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Bishop...
        1. Next time sip, rather than gulp.
        2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
        3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
        4. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
        5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
        6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.
        7. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
        8. We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
        9. The recommended way of saying grace is not Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
        10. And last but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the cherry."

        Comment


        • Bighorn Dave
          Bighorn Dave commented
          Editing a comment
          Now that is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

        • pkadare
          pkadare commented
          Editing a comment
          Bighorn Dave - One of my all time favourites that I can tell in mixed company. :-)

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        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          HawkerXP Mine qualifies as a chicken sedan, one man door and three chicken doors.

        • HawkerXP
          HawkerXP commented
          Editing a comment
          Wouldn't that be a hatch back?

        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          HawkerXP No, the hatchback would be the 10 hole nesting box located on the back wall.... ;-)

        The only way I would get this for my wife is if I had a really bad day and wanted to die.

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          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            😂😂😂

          • Huskee
            Huskee commented
            Editing a comment
            She should've asked Toto to write a song about Roseanna or Africa.

          A young preacher's first church was in a very poor small town and the budget was very small. The building was in need of some update and a new exterior paint job. After finding a way to buy what he thought was enough paint for the outside the preacher set out to paint it himself.
          The day started out nice but as the day progress the weather began to build and speed seemed important as it looked like it could rain. Soon it became apparent that he was not going to have enough paint to complete the job so he started adding water to stretch the paint. The further he went the darker the clouds and the thinner the paint.
          As he was almost finished with the last side it began to sprinkle and by the time he finished there was a frog strangler coming down. As the preacher looked up at the wall he had just finished the paint was washing off and the thunder began to roll. As the rain got harder and the thunder louder and the wall became bare the preacher looked up with a questioning look on his face. In a loud roll of thunder the preacher heard a voice....REPAINT!! REPAINT!! AND THIN NO MORE!!

          Comment


          • gcdmd
            gcdmd commented
            Editing a comment
            Sometimes I think that the worse they are, the more likes they get.

          • jecucolo
            jecucolo commented
            Editing a comment
            That good!

          • Bogy
            Bogy commented
            Editing a comment
            Oldie but Goodie. Not many church/preacher jokes I haven't heard, or told!

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            This piece of alleged history explains that in the olden days of sailing ships, cannon balls were stacked on the decks on brass plates called “monkeys.” The plates had indentions in them that held the balls on the bottoms of the stacks. Brass, however, expands and contracts with the temperature and if it got cold enough, the cannon balls could fall…giving real foundation to the phrase “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!”

            Just in case you wanted know?
            Last edited by jecucolo; November 12, 2019, 05:07 AM.

            Comment


            • jecucolo
              jecucolo commented
              Editing a comment
              I think you will have to asked the well digger about the witch!

            • Thunder77
              Thunder77 commented
              Editing a comment
              It's actually the difference in the rate of contraction/expansion between the bras and the cannonballs.
              :-) Okay, I'll see myself out...

            • Mr. Bones
              Mr. Bones commented
              Editing a comment
              Knew.
              Actually was gonna post what I knew, but already covered by Thunder77

            Well here is another bad one that I won't apologize for...
            Attached Files

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              What do you call a horse with a blindfold?

              This hurts




              Mascarpone

              Comment


              • Thunder77
                Thunder77 commented
                Editing a comment
                Grooooooan! This is a Spinaker joke if I ever saw one!

              • Spinaker
                Spinaker commented
                Editing a comment
                Genius, Genius, Genius!

              • gcdmd
                gcdmd commented
                Editing a comment
                It took a twisted mind to come up with that one.

                I hope everyone realizes that I don't make comments like this unless I have liked the joke they refer to.

              As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

              "Hell," said Herman, "It's even worse than that. It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
              Last edited by Steve R.; November 13, 2019, 09:07 AM.

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                I have not told an Ole joke on here for a while. I may have told this before, if so, I apologize, but i looked back further than I think I first heard it, and don't see it listed on my posts, so here goes. In honor of hunting season.

                Ole’s out duck hunting, when a loon flies over. Ole shoots, Bang, Bang, Bang, and the loon keeps on flying. A few minutes later a game warden comes out of the brush, and says to Ole, “Do you have a hunting license?”
                “Ya, sure I do!” says Ole.
                “Is there a duck stamp attached to that license?” asks the game warden.
                “Ya, dere is!” says Ole.
                “Well, let me remind you that we are in the great state of Minnesota, and the loon is the official bird of the great state of Minnesota, and had you shot that loon just now you would be in a lot of trouble. I would have not only given you a very expensive ticket, I would have confiscated your gun and your pickup truck, and you might also have been looking at some jail time. You just remember that the next time a loon flies over you,” the game warden says.
                “Yes sir, I vill remember dat!” says Ole.
                The game warden leaves, but comes back just a few minutes later. He says to Ole, “Look, I have a question to ask you, and you can answer without any fear of penalty, because I will not have witnessed anything, or have any evidence, but I’ve been a citizen of Minnesota for over 40 years, and I’ve been a game warden for over 20 years, and in all that time I have never shot a loon, so I gotta ask you, have you ever shot a loon?”
                “Ya,” says Ole, “I have shot a loon.”
                “Did you eat that loon?” the warden asks.
                “Ya,” says Ole, “I have eaten a loon.”
                “Well, what does a loon taste like?” asks the warden.
                “Vell, a loon is kinda tough and gamey. I tink the best I can describe it is dat it’s kind uv a cross between a whooping crane and a bald eagle.”

                Comment


                • Thunder77
                  Thunder77 commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Took me a minute

                • Mr. Bones
                  Mr. Bones commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Mebbe even a trace of Spotted Owl in there, if ya close yer eyes, an focus...

                Here's another, that might already be here.

                Both Ole and Sven wanted some money, so they went to the bank for a loan. Sven went in first. "I want $10,000!"

                "What do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

                "I'm a pilot!" said Sven.

                "Well, that is a good profession!" said the manager, so he gave him the money.

                Then Ole went in and said, "I want $10,000 too!"

                "Well, what do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

                "I'm a lumberjack," he replied.

                "Well, I can't give a lumberjack that kind of money," said the manager.

                "Well, what's the deal with that, if I don't cut the wood, Sven can't pile it."

                Comment


                • THE Humble Texan
                  THE Humble Texan commented
                  Editing a comment
                  With so many pages of jokes who cares if a few GOOD ones get printed again. KEEP EM COMIN!!!

                Can't have all these stories with just Ole. Here's one with Lena:

                Ole and Lena were ice fishing one day and Ole ran out of snoose. He told Lena she'd have to go across the lake and get some from Sven’s General Store.

                After she left Ole called Sven on his cell phone and explained that Lena was coming after snoose for him, but he'd have to charge it because he didn't send any money with her.

                When Lars asked why not, Ole explained, "I didn't know how thick the ice was."

                Comment


                • gcdmd
                  gcdmd commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I don't think I'll be telling my wife (a blue-eyed blonde with probably a healthy dose of northern European DNA) that one.

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