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Jokes!

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    An older wealthy Texas Cattleman and his younger wife go to the County Fair. The wife had been recently giving him grief about his hit or miss ability to "rise to the occasion" lately. While walking the Bull Judging pens:
    Wife: See? That sign says that bull bred 12 heifers last year! Man grumbles and walks on.
    In front of another stall, Wife: See? That bull bred 30 heifers last year! Man grumbles and walks on.
    In front of a third stall, Wife: See? That bull bred 80 heifers last year!
    Man finally has enough and says "Ever notice you keep saying "heifers" and not "the same old cow"?

    Comment


      I had to share...



      Comment


        A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The man puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the floor laughing because on the screen it say,"Error. Not long enough"

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          in the bar the other day had gas really bad and needed to relieve it, the music was really loud so I figured I'd just let it go with the beat of the music and no one would ever know, so I did through several beats, feeling much better I finished my beer and turned to leave and noticed everyone was starring at me, thats when I remembered I was wearing my Ipod.

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            A vegan, an atheist, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everybody within two minutes.

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            • Huskee
              Huskee commented
              Editing a comment
              Lol. There are a few life choices that fit that "broadcast it emphatically to everyone" category aren't there.

            Two cannibals were eating a comedian when one asked the other, " Does that taste funny to you?".

            Comment


              Y'all be sure not to stress too much over your cookin today

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                Comment


                  An old, married guys takes a week off from work for vacation.

                  The first morning the guy gets up and his wife says, "I need you fix the sink in the bathroom". He says, "What do I look like - Freaking Mr. Plumber? I'm headed to the gun range today hon."

                  The next morning he gets up and his wife says, "I need you to fix the light on the car". He replies, "What do I look like, Mr. Freaking Goodwrench? I'm going golfing today babe".

                  The 3rd morning the guy gets up and tells his wife, "Ok - I'll go ahead and fix the sink". His wife says, "No worries - Jim from next door took care of it." So the man replies, "Ok - well I'll get to work on the car light then." The wife responds, "Oh no - Jim took care of the car too - its all fixed."

                  The man then asks his wife, "So what do we owe Jim for all of this work?" The wife says, "Well Jim asked that I either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Then there was a long silent pause.

                  "So what did you do for Jim, then", the man queries.

                  His wife sits back, smiles real big and says, "What do I look like, Betty Freaking Crocker?!?!?!"
                  Last edited by HC in SC; December 5, 2015, 07:49 AM.

                  Comment


                    Little Johnny's class had an assignment to go home and write a story, then the next day each child would read their story in front of the class.

                    The next day the teacher calls on everyone but Little Johnny to read their stories first, because she knows how Little Johnny has a propensity for swearing and foul language.

                    When the only student left to read their story is Little Johnny, the teacher tells him, "Look Johnny - read your story, but you had better not curse!"

                    Little Johnny nod OK and starts off his story:

                    "Yesterday I built a wagon. I put spare trailer wheels on it with extra grease on the bearings and axles - it was a FAST wagon. I put the wagon away in the garage, but then I saw my little brother playing with it. He had my wagon tied to our goat and it was pulling him around the yard in it.

                    Then my little brother starts going down a steep hill with the goat pulling the wagon. The wagon is so fast it starts catching up to the goat. The next think I know the handle of the wagon goes straight up the goat's ass!"

                    The teacher, very upset, says, "Little Johnny - you mean "rectum", don't you?"

                    Little Johnny looks back at the teacher and explains, "Oh hell yeah rectum -- killed the damn goat too!"

                    Comment


                      Ok last one for today:

                      A guy gets thrown in prison - he has never been to prison before.

                      One night his cellmate asks him if he would like to come to the Rec Room with him to tell jokes -- all the inmates got togher and told jokes every Wednesday night to pass the time. The guy says sure - he'd love to so they both go.

                      The Rec Room is crowded out with a few dozen inmates. All the sudden one inmate yells "307!", and the whole room erupts in laughter.

                      After the room settles down another inmate says "651!", and again the room erupts in laughter.

                      When the "joke telling" is over with everyone goes back to their cells for the night. The new guy asks his cellmate what the heck had just happened. His cellmate tells him that since many of the inmates had been there so long and there is only a couple of hours, every joke ever told had been numbered and committed to memory, so that instead of telling the whole joke, you just call out the joke number.

                      So the new guy memorizes and memorizes all the jokes he can so he is ready for the next Wednesday night.

                      The next joke telling night comes and all the inmates gather as usual in the Rec Room. The new guy decides he'll break the ice and shouts out "288!".

                      The room fell so silent you could hear a pin drop. The new guy looks over at his cellmate, and his cellmates says, "Awwww man -- you told it wrong!"

                      Comment


                      • jecucolo
                        jecucolo commented
                        Editing a comment
                        My dad told me that joke but his punch line was
                        " Some guys just cant tell a joke"

                      Let's keep this right here where our spouses can't find it.

                      Comment


                      • Huskee
                        Huskee commented
                        Editing a comment
                        *You're. #spellcheckpolice

                      • fuzzydaddy
                        fuzzydaddy commented
                        Editing a comment
                        They're, their, there. Well at least they got there right. lol

                      • Powersmoke_80
                        Powersmoke_80 commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Oh yes I am, or at least Post Christmas. Lol

                      Click image for larger version

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                      Who'd have thunk it?

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                        Back on January 4th, a group of Ocala Florida bikers were riding east on Hwy.40 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Blackwater Bridge. So they stopped.

                        George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
                        "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

                        She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

                        While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
                        why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

                        So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
                        and it was a long, deep, lingering tongue swapping kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

                        After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

                        "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

                        It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

                        Comment


                        • jecucolo
                          jecucolo commented
                          Editing a comment
                          That was awesome.

                        richinlbrg I LOLed loudly at this. Best joke in a long time.

                        Comment


                        • Breadhead
                          Breadhead commented
                          Editing a comment
                          😆 now that's funny!

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