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Jokes!

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    I watched a documentary on how the Titanic's steel was fastened together during contruction. It was riveting.

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    • holehogg
      holehogg commented
      Editing a comment
      That's just the tip of the iceberg I'm sure there's more to it.

    I thought my Doctor was losing his marbles. Yesterday when I got to his practice he was standing outside shouting "323 main rd, 47 green str, 69 lovers lane.
    Then I realised he was making house calls.

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      I had a dream last night where I was working on mufflers and tailpipes, over and over.







      When I woke up I was exhausted.

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      • holehogg
        holehogg commented
        Editing a comment
        I dreamt I was running in front of a car and woke up very tired.

      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        I dreamt I ate a five pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone.

      • holehogg
        holehogg commented
        Editing a comment
        Was in a forest cutting firewood then I woke up and realised I was in a sLumber
        Last edited by holehogg; September 29, 2019, 02:28 PM.

      True story but I thought very funny.
      One of my daughters wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday and asked me where I would like to go. Just for fun I mentioned a place that is so expensive that no one in the family has ever been there. (not because we can't afford it, but because we have better judgement than to spend $75 on a plate of food that could have been served on a saucer.)
      She said ok but asked "do they have a flag pole out front?"
      I replied that I didn't know but why was that important?
      "I'll have to dance for a while to be able to pay for it."

      Comment


      Just read the article Meathead wrote where he desires showing up at The Pearly Gates with a bottle of wine in one hand and a rib bone in the other. That brought to mind this old joke.

      A fellow died and went to heaven where he was met by St. Peter who welcomed him and invited him in.
      As he walked down the hallway with Peter he noted all the clocks hanging on the wall, many still, but occasionally the minute hand on one or another would advance a position and then stop.
      The fellow asked St. Peter what was the deal with all the clocks.
      Peter replied that each clock represented someone on Earth and this was how they kept track of every time they had a little more fun than the should have according to the rules.
      The man noticed then that every clock had a name tag and as he examined them he saw some for people he knew.
      After awhile he turned to Peter and said: “I see some for people I know but I can’t find one for my old friend Meathead.”
      St. Peter then replied, “Oh, we keep his in the backroom and use it as a fan!”

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      • Meathead
        Meathead commented
        Editing a comment
        LOVE IT! Thanks!

      • THE Humble Texan
        THE Humble Texan commented
        Editing a comment
        Ya"ll really are going to be surprised when you get to the gates and you are told "Jump in the back of the pickup. We'll go up to the big house."

      When my wife turned forty I suggested that maybe I should trade her in for two twenties, to which she sweetly replied "But, Dear, you're not wired for two-twenty.

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      • holehogg
        holehogg commented
        Editing a comment
        I can do that we are😊

      • fracmeister
        fracmeister commented
        Editing a comment
        She said "I will get a 20 year old boyfriend then... and 20 goes into 40 a lot more than 40 goes into 20"

      Writing a sequel to gone with the wind.
      Its still a draft.

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        I don't know if tequila is the answer, but I figured it's worth a shot. So I went on a strict tequila diet and so far I've lost two days....

        Comment


        • CaptainMike
          CaptainMike commented
          Editing a comment
          It's been said that alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk.

        • ComfortablyNumb
          ComfortablyNumb commented
          Editing a comment
          CaptainMike With alcohol at least you won't care about your problems. With milk all you get is a white mustache!

        Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.

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        • HawkerXP
          HawkerXP commented
          Editing a comment
          Oh yeah. Just had our 35th.

        • gcdmd
          gcdmd commented
          Editing a comment
          Charlton Heston was married to the same woman for 50+ years. When asked by Larry King (married many times) what the secret was, he said that every night before going to sleep he kissed his wife and said "You were right, Dear."

        • Oak Smoke
          Oak Smoke commented
          Editing a comment
          When Bum Phillips was a young coach he was asked why he took his wife with him every where he went. His reply was, "she's too damn ugly to kiss goodbye". He actually survived this comment.

        Not sure if this has been posted before........

        ARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

        1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

        2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

        3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

        4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

        5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

        6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

        7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

        8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

        9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

        10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

        11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

        12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

        13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

        14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

        15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

        16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

        17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

        18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

        19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

        20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

        21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

        22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

        23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

        24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

        25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

        26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.


        Finally:

        I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

        Comment


          So oxygen was dating potassium.
          It was just OK.
          They still see each other periodically.
          But now oxygen is dating Magnesium. And they're like OMg!

          Comment


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            Sold it to one guy like six times...he kept losing his. LOL

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              It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

              It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

              The difference is staggering.

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                Why did the cookie go to the doctor?



                He felt crummy

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                • Bogy
                  Bogy commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Why did the cookie go to the dentist?

                  He needed a filling.

                • MBMorgan
                  MBMorgan commented
                  Editing a comment
                  ... all I can add is ... groan ...

                I read there was a death at the Shiner Brewery the other day.

                Otto told the police officer that his good friend Heinrich fell into the vat of beer and drowned.

                The officer shook his head and muttered, “I hope old Heinrich didn't suffer.”

                Otto responded, "I don't think so, he got out twice to pee".

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