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Jokes!

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    Soooo I just got stopped by the the Brentwood police Dept. I already knew why he got me (speeding, as expected, hahaha) but of course I was going to ask him why he stopped me. I've gotten a few speeding tickets before so I decided to test my luck and humor.
    About a week ago, I purchased some fart spray on Amazon to prank my friends. The bottle says to squirt about 2 sprays. Well as the Officer walks toward my car, I nervously sprayed about 5 squirts! Oops! He gets to my window and asks me to get out. I said I can’t! He immediately stops in his tracks and he says, “Good Lord ...what’s that?” I said, “I’ve got a situation sir!”
    The look on his face was priceless. I said, “Sir my stomach hurts and I’m trying get home because I....” (he is at my window and I didn't even finish my sentence) He grabs his face, backs up and says... “Oh my!! I think you need an ambulance.” I screamed “NO!!!!” (of course trying not to laugh...he looked worried and sick 🤣)
    Officer: “BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO SPEED BUT I UNDERSTAND ITS AWFUL. HOLD ON....I’LL ESCORT YOU!” AND YA’LL, HE FOLLOWED ME HOME!!!!
    I didn't expect it to go this way but the Officer waited until I got out of the car (he stayed in his) so I had to waddle all the way to my door with my butt cheeks clinched and limpin’ like I was hurtin’! No ticket written!

    Comment


    • ofelles
      ofelles commented
      Editing a comment
      Huskee My daughter caught me on this one. I thought she pulled this off. She's as sick as her dad. But it's a joke. Jjust change the name of the jurisdiction and it's yours
      Last edited by ofelles; September 7, 2019, 12:51 AM.

    • pkadare
      pkadare commented
      Editing a comment
      ComfortablyNumb - I a link to the best Amazon comment ever but it is a bit rude so I don't want to post it here. If anyone wants the link, send me a PM and I'll oblige. :-)

    • Thunder77
      Thunder77 commented
      Editing a comment
      You sir, are a very sick man.... 🤣🤣🤣

    From New Yorker Magazine We all know there is no such thing as the last BBQ.


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      • RichieB
        RichieB commented
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        As I sit here listening to The 3 Tenors.

      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
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        "Kill th Wabbit..."

      • Thunder77
        Thunder77 commented
        Editing a comment
        Priceless!!

      Pete and John hit a bar and John gets totally hammered and proceeds to throw up on himself. John slurs to Pete, "My wife is going to kill me for puking on myself". Pete says to John, "Put $10 in your pocket and tell your wife that I puked on you and gave you $10 for dry cleaning". John agrees that is a great idea.

      John gets home and sure enough his wife starts yelling at him for puking on himself. John hands her the money from his pocket and says, "Pete threw up on me but he gave me $10 for the dry cleaning". John's wife says, "Then why did you give me two $10 bills"? John say, "Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants"!

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      • CaptainMike
        CaptainMike commented
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        Hahahahaha!!!!

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      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
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        Very Much likin this one, amigo!

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      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        Huskee is going to have to move this one from the 'Jokes' thread to the 'Facts' thread.


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        What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?



        Kick them out of congress.

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          Who is bigger, Mr Biggar or Mr Biggar’s baby?



          The baby. He’s just a little Biggar.

          Comment


          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            Grooooooan!

          I was visited a Monastery and as I walked passed the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, "Are you the Friar?"
          He replied, "No, I'm the Chip Monk..."

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            Comment


              What concert is only 45 cents?


              50 Cent featuring a little Nickelback.

              Comment


              • ComfortablyNumb
                ComfortablyNumb commented
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                Reminds me of the parents who spent $80,000 to send their son to college and all they got was a quarter back.

              • Huskee
                Huskee commented
                Editing a comment
                I like 50 cent in movies he's a decent actor.

              • Thunder77
                Thunder77 commented
                Editing a comment
                Now that is a true spinaker joke!!!

              So I asked the bartender, “What’s the WiFi password?”
              He says, “You need to buy a drink first.”
              ”Okay, I'll have a Guinness.”
              ”Coming up...that’ll be six bucks.”
              ”Let’s just open a tab.”
              ”No problem.”
              ”Cool...so what’s the WiFi password?”
              ”You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

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                • HawkerXP
                  HawkerXP commented
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                  badddd

                Last night I ate a salad for dinner.
                Lots of croutons & tomatoes.
                Well, mostly croutons & tomatoes.
                Really just one big crouton with tomatoes.
                Ok, a big round crouton with tomato sauce.
                And cheese.
                Fine, it was a pizza,
                I ate a pizza.

                Comment

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