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Jokes!

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  • ofelles
    Club Member
    • Jun 2018
    • 1673
    • Brentwood CA
    • Yoder YS640 on Comp cart
      Klose 20x42 Charcoal Grill
      LSG Insulated Cabinet
      Jumbo Joe
      VacMaster Pro 380 sealer
      FireBoard and Pit Bull fan
      Thermoworks Signal
      Thermoworks Dot
      Thermopen Mk4

    Soooo I just got stopped by the the Brentwood police Dept. I already knew why he got me (speeding, as expected, hahaha) but of course I was going to ask him why he stopped me. I've gotten a few speeding tickets before so I decided to test my luck and humor.
    About a week ago, I purchased some fart spray on Amazon to prank my friends. The bottle says to squirt about 2 sprays. Well as the Officer walks toward my car, I nervously sprayed about 5 squirts! Oops! He gets to my window and asks me to get out. I said I can’t! He immediately stops in his tracks and he says, “Good Lord ...what’s that?” I said, “I’ve got a situation sir!”
    The look on his face was priceless. I said, “Sir my stomach hurts and I’m trying get home because I....” (he is at my window and I didn't even finish my sentence) He grabs his face, backs up and says... “Oh my!! I think you need an ambulance.” I screamed “NO!!!!” (of course trying not to laugh...he looked worried and sick 🤣)
    Officer: “BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO SPEED BUT I UNDERSTAND ITS AWFUL. HOLD ON....I’LL ESCORT YOU!” AND YA’LL, HE FOLLOWED ME HOME!!!!
    I didn't expect it to go this way but the Officer waited until I got out of the car (he stayed in his) so I had to waddle all the way to my door with my butt cheeks clinched and limpin’ like I was hurtin’! No ticket written!

    Comment


    • ofelles
      ofelles commented
      Editing a comment
      Huskee My daughter caught me on this one. I thought she pulled this off. She's as sick as her dad. But it's a joke. Jjust change the name of the jurisdiction and it's yours
      Last edited by ofelles; September 7th, 2019, 12:51 AM.

    • pkadare
      pkadare commented
      Editing a comment
      ComfortablyNumb - I a link to the best Amazon comment ever but it is a bit rude so I don't want to post it here. If anyone wants the link, send me a PM and I'll oblige. :-)

    • Thunder77
      Thunder77 commented
      Editing a comment
      You sir, are a very sick man.... 🤣🤣🤣
  • RichieB
    Club Member
    • Apr 2018
    • 1202
    • Western Mass

    From New Yorker Magazine We all know there is no such thing as the last BBQ.


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    • pkadare
      Club Member
      • Jun 2019
      • 827
      • Bobcaygeon, Ontario
      • My gear:
        22 Weber Kettle
        Napoleon PRO Charcoal Kettle Grill
        Broil King Keg
        Traeger Pro 34
        Napoleon Prestige Pro 500
        Pit Barrel Cooker
        Blackstone Range Combo Griddle

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      • RichieB
        RichieB commented
        Editing a comment
        As I sit here listening to The 3 Tenors.

      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
        Editing a comment
        "Kill th Wabbit..."

      • Thunder77
        Thunder77 commented
        Editing a comment
        Priceless!!
    • pkadare
      Club Member
      • Jun 2019
      • 827
      • Bobcaygeon, Ontario
      • My gear:
        22 Weber Kettle
        Napoleon PRO Charcoal Kettle Grill
        Broil King Keg
        Traeger Pro 34
        Napoleon Prestige Pro 500
        Pit Barrel Cooker
        Blackstone Range Combo Griddle

      Pete and John hit a bar and John gets totally hammered and proceeds to throw up on himself. John slurs to Pete, "My wife is going to kill me for puking on myself". Pete says to John, "Put $10 in your pocket and tell your wife that I puked on you and gave you $10 for dry cleaning". John agrees that is a great idea.

      John gets home and sure enough his wife starts yelling at him for puking on himself. John hands her the money from his pocket and says, "Pete threw up on me but he gave me $10 for the dry cleaning". John's wife says, "Then why did you give me two $10 bills"? John say, "Oh yeah, he also shit in my pants"!

      Comment


      • CaptainMike
        CaptainMike commented
        Editing a comment
        Hahahahaha!!!!
    • pkadare
      Club Member
      • Jun 2019
      • 827
      • Bobcaygeon, Ontario
      • My gear:
        22 Weber Kettle
        Napoleon PRO Charcoal Kettle Grill
        Broil King Keg
        Traeger Pro 34
        Napoleon Prestige Pro 500
        Pit Barrel Cooker
        Blackstone Range Combo Griddle

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      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
        Editing a comment
        Very Much likin this one, amigo!
    • pkadare
      Club Member
      • Jun 2019
      • 827
      • Bobcaygeon, Ontario
      • My gear:
        22 Weber Kettle
        Napoleon PRO Charcoal Kettle Grill
        Broil King Keg
        Traeger Pro 34
        Napoleon Prestige Pro 500
        Pit Barrel Cooker
        Blackstone Range Combo Griddle

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      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        Huskee is going to have to move this one from the 'Jokes' thread to the 'Facts' thread.
    • gcdmd
      Charter Member
      • Sep 2014
      • 961
      • The Republic of Texas


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      • RonB
        Club Member
        • Apr 2016
        • 12109
        • Near Richmond VA
        • Weber Performer Deluxe
          SNS
          Pizza insert
          Rotisserie
          Smokenator 1000
          Cookshack Smokette Elite
          2 Thermapens
          Chefalarm
          Dot
          lots of probes.
          CyberQ

        What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?



        Kick them out of congress.

        Comment

        • Mosca
          Charter Member
          • Oct 2014
          • 3101
          • PA
          • Large Big Green Egg, Weber Performer Deluxe, Weber Smokey Joe Silver, Maverick 732, DigiQ, and too much other stuff to mention.

          Who is bigger, Mr Biggar or Mr Biggar’s baby?



          The baby. He’s just a little Biggar.

          Comment


          • Thunder77
            Thunder77 commented
            Editing a comment
            Grooooooan!
        • troymeister
          Charter Member
          • Aug 2014
          • 1244
          • Forest Park Il
          • Weber 26

            Weber Performer 22.5, Weber 18.5, WSM 18.5, Smokey Joe

            2 Slow N Sears, Charcoal Rotisserie, Kettle Pizza for Weber 22.5

            Smoke Thermometer, Igrill, Thermapen, Thermapop,Maverick 2 probe

            Good Cabernet, Merlot, Zin

            Anti Hero, Blue moon

            I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I put it in my food.

          I was visited a Monastery and as I walked passed the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him, "Are you the Friar?"
          He replied, "No, I'm the Chip Monk..."

          Comment

          • MichaelF
            Club Member
            • Sep 2018
            • 51
            • Brentwood, TN
            • Weber Summit 670 Gasser. LG900 Pellet Grill with cold smoker. Tappecue Touch WiFi & Maverick 732 thermometers.

            Comment

            • Spinaker
              Moderator
              • Nov 2014
              • 10410
              • Land of Tonka
              • John "J R"
                Instagram: JRBowlsby
                Smokin' Hound Que
                Minnesota/ United States of America

                ********************************************
                Assistants
                Dexter (Beagle mix)
                Kinnick (American Foxhound)
                ************************

                Grills/Smokers/Fryers
                Big Green Egg (Large) X2
                Blackstone 36" Outdoor Griddle 4-Burner

                Broil King Keg
                Karubeque C-60
                Kamado Joe Jr. (Black)
                Lodge L410 Hibachi
                Pit Barrel Cooker
                Pit Barrel Cooker 2.0
                R&V Works FF2-R-ST 4-Gallon Fryer

                Weber Spirit Gasser
                ******************.
                Thermometers
                FireBoard (Base Package)
                Thermoworks ThermaPen (Red)
                Thermoworks MK4 (Orange)
                **************

                Accessories
                BBQ Dragon
                Big Green Egg Plate Setter
                Benzomatic TS4000 Torch X 2
                Benzomatic TS800 High Temp Torch X 2

                Bayou Classic 44 qt Stainless Stock Pot
                Bayou Classic 35K BTU Burner

                Digi Q DX2 (Medium Pit Viper Fan)
                Dragon VT 2-23 C Torch
                Eggspander Kit X2
                Field Skillet No. 8,10,12

                Finex Cat Iron Line
                FireBoard Drive
                Lots and Lots of Griswold Cast Iron
                Grill Grates
                Joule Water Circulator
                KBQ Fire Grate

                Kick Ash Basket (KAB) X4
                Lots of Lodge Cast Iron
                Husky 6 Drawer BBQ Equipment Cabinet
                Large Vortex
                Marlin 1894 .44 Magnum
                Marquette Castings No. 13 (First Run)
                Smithey No. 12
                Smokeware Chimney Cap X 3
                Stargazer No.10, 12
                Tool Wizard BBQ Tongs
                Univex Duro 10" Meat Slicer
                ********************************
                Fuel
                FOGO Priemium Lump Charcoal
                Kingsford Blue and White
                Rockwood Lump Charcoal
                Apple, Cherry & Oak Log splits for the C-60
                **************************

                Cutlery
                Buck 119 Special
                Dexter 12" Brisket Sword
                Global
                Shun
                Wusthof
                *******
                Next Major Purchase
                Lone Star Grillz 24 X 48 Offset

              What concert is only 45 cents?


              50 Cent featuring a little Nickelback.

              Comment


              • ComfortablyNumb
                ComfortablyNumb commented
                Editing a comment
                Reminds me of the parents who spent $80,000 to send their son to college and all they got was a quarter back.

              • Huskee
                Huskee commented
                Editing a comment
                I like 50 cent in movies he's a decent actor.

              • Thunder77
                Thunder77 commented
                Editing a comment
                Now that is a true spinaker joke!!!
            • surfdog
              Club Member
              • Mar 2016
              • 909
              • Sunny SoCal
              • Cooking gadgets
                Weber Summit Charcoal Grill Center
                Weber Summit Platinum D6
                Blue Rhino Razor
                Dyna-Glo XL Premium Dual Chamber
                Camp Chef Somerset IV along with their Artisan Pizza Oven 90
                Anova WiFi

                Thermometers
                Thermapen Mk4 - ThermaQ High Temp Kit - ThermaQ Meathead Kit - ThermaQ WiFi - ThermoWorks IR-GUN-S - ThermoWorks Signals & Billows - ThermoPop -ThermoWorks ProNeedle - ThermoWorks TimeStick Trio x2 - and a Christopher Kimball timer - NO, I do not work for ThermoWorks...I just like their products.

                Other useful bits...
                KitchenAid 7-qt Pro Line stand mixer
                A Black & Decker food processor that I can't seem to murder
                A couple of immersion blenders, one a "consumer" model & the other a "high end" Italian thing. Yes, the Italian one is a bit better, but only marginally
                Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus 8-qt + accessories like egg-bite & egg holders
                All-Clad pots & pans, along with some cast iron...everything from 7" Skookie pans to 8.5qt Dutch ovens
                Weber GBS griddle, pizza stone, and wok
                Knives range from Mercer to F. Dick to "You spent how much for one knife? One knife?!" LOL

              So I asked the bartender, “What’s the WiFi password?”
              He says, “You need to buy a drink first.”
              ”Okay, I'll have a Guinness.”
              ”Coming up...that’ll be six bucks.”
              ”Let’s just open a tab.”
              ”No problem.”
              ”Cool...so what’s the WiFi password?”
              ”You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

              Comment

              • surfdog
                Club Member
                • Mar 2016
                • 909
                • Sunny SoCal
                • Cooking gadgets
                  Weber Summit Charcoal Grill Center
                  Weber Summit Platinum D6
                  Blue Rhino Razor
                  Dyna-Glo XL Premium Dual Chamber
                  Camp Chef Somerset IV along with their Artisan Pizza Oven 90
                  Anova WiFi

                  Thermometers
                  Thermapen Mk4 - ThermaQ High Temp Kit - ThermaQ Meathead Kit - ThermaQ WiFi - ThermoWorks IR-GUN-S - ThermoWorks Signals & Billows - ThermoPop -ThermoWorks ProNeedle - ThermoWorks TimeStick Trio x2 - and a Christopher Kimball timer - NO, I do not work for ThermoWorks...I just like their products.

                  Other useful bits...
                  KitchenAid 7-qt Pro Line stand mixer
                  A Black & Decker food processor that I can't seem to murder
                  A couple of immersion blenders, one a "consumer" model & the other a "high end" Italian thing. Yes, the Italian one is a bit better, but only marginally
                  Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus 8-qt + accessories like egg-bite & egg holders
                  All-Clad pots & pans, along with some cast iron...everything from 7" Skookie pans to 8.5qt Dutch ovens
                  Weber GBS griddle, pizza stone, and wok
                  Knives range from Mercer to F. Dick to "You spent how much for one knife? One knife?!" LOL

                Click image for larger version

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                • HawkerXP
                  HawkerXP commented
                  Editing a comment
                  badddd
              • surfdog
                Club Member
                • Mar 2016
                • 909
                • Sunny SoCal
                • Cooking gadgets
                  Weber Summit Charcoal Grill Center
                  Weber Summit Platinum D6
                  Blue Rhino Razor
                  Dyna-Glo XL Premium Dual Chamber
                  Camp Chef Somerset IV along with their Artisan Pizza Oven 90
                  Anova WiFi

                  Thermometers
                  Thermapen Mk4 - ThermaQ High Temp Kit - ThermaQ Meathead Kit - ThermaQ WiFi - ThermoWorks IR-GUN-S - ThermoWorks Signals & Billows - ThermoPop -ThermoWorks ProNeedle - ThermoWorks TimeStick Trio x2 - and a Christopher Kimball timer - NO, I do not work for ThermoWorks...I just like their products.

                  Other useful bits...
                  KitchenAid 7-qt Pro Line stand mixer
                  A Black & Decker food processor that I can't seem to murder
                  A couple of immersion blenders, one a "consumer" model & the other a "high end" Italian thing. Yes, the Italian one is a bit better, but only marginally
                  Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus 8-qt + accessories like egg-bite & egg holders
                  All-Clad pots & pans, along with some cast iron...everything from 7" Skookie pans to 8.5qt Dutch ovens
                  Weber GBS griddle, pizza stone, and wok
                  Knives range from Mercer to F. Dick to "You spent how much for one knife? One knife?!" LOL

                Last night I ate a salad for dinner.
                Lots of croutons & tomatoes.
                Well, mostly croutons & tomatoes.
                Really just one big crouton with tomatoes.
                Ok, a big round crouton with tomato sauce.
                And cheese.
                Fine, it was a pizza,
                I ate a pizza.

                Comment

                Announcement

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                Meat-Up in Memphis 2021

                Join us in Memphis for our Meat-Up! Space is limited to 400, secure your spot by booking early!
                Click here for details. (https://amazingribs.com/memphis)
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                See less
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                Meat-Up in Memphis

                T-Shirts & More T-Shirts & More
                Order men's and women's T-Shirts, Sweatshirts, Aprons, Mugs, Caps, Tote Bags, Flasks, and more, all imprinted with the Pitmaster Club logo. There's even a spiral bound journal where you can make notes on your cooks.

                Cool Embroidered Shirt Cool Embroidered Shirt
                This beautifully embroidered shirt is the same one Meathead wears in public and on TV. It's wash and wear and doesn't need ironing (really!), but it is a soft cottonlike feel. Choice of four colors and both men's and women's.

                Click here for more info.

                Support ARC

                Many merchants pay us a small referral fee when you click our links and purchase from them. On Amazon it works on everything from grills to diapers, they never tell us what you bought, and it has zero impact on the price you pay, but has a major impact on our ability to improve this site! And remember, we only recommend products we love. If you like AmazingRibs.com, please save this link and use it every time you go to Amazon.

                https://tinyurl.com/amazingribs

                BBQ Stars

                Spotlight

                These are not ads or paid placements. These Are Some Of Our Favorite Tools And Toys.

                These are products we have tested, won our top awards, and are highly recommend. Click here to read how we test, about our medals, and what they mean.

                Use our links when you buy things

                Many merchants pay us a small referral fee when you click our links and purchase from them. On Amazon it works on everything from grills to diapers, they never tell us what you bought, it has zero impact on the price you pay, but has a major impact on our ability to improve this site! If you like AmazingRibs.com, please save this link and use it every time you go to Amazon

                https://tinyurl.com/amazingribs

                 


                Placeholder

                Surely you know somebody who loves outdoor cooking who deserves a gift for the holidays, birthday, anniversary, or just for being wonderful. There he is, right in the mirror! Here are our selections of best ideas, all Platinum or Gold Medalists, listed by price.

                Click here to see our list of Gold Medal Gifts


                Digital Thermometers Are Your Most Valuable Tool And Here's A Great Buy!

                maverick PT55 thermometer

                A good digital thermometer keeps you from serving dry overcooked food or dangerously undercooked food. They are much faster and much more accurate than dial thermometers. YOU NEED ONE!

                Click here for more info on the Maverick PT-55 Waterproof Instant-Read Thermometer Review shown above. It may be the best value in a thermometer out there


                If you have a Weber Kettle, you need the Slow 'N' Sear

                slow n sear

                The Slow 'N' Sear turns your grill into a first class smoker and also creates an extremely hot sear zone you can use to create steakhouse steaks.

                Click here for our article on this breakthrough tool


                Bring The Heat With Broil King Signet's Dual Tube Burners

                the good one grill

                The Broil King Signet 320 is a modestly priced, 3-burner gas grill that packs a lot of value and power under the hood. Broil King's proprietary, dual-tube burners get hot fast and are able to achieve high, searing temps that rival most comparatively priced gas grills. The quality cast aluminum housing carries a Limited Lifetime Warranty.

                Click here to read our complete review


                The Good-One Is A Superb Grill And A Superb Smoker All In One

                the good one grill

                The Good-One Open Range is a charcoal grill with an offset smoke chamber attached. It is dramatically different from a traditional offset smoker. The grill sits low in front and doubles as a firebox for the smoke chamber which is spliced on above and behind so it can work like a horizontal offset smoker only better. By placing the heat source behind and under the smokebox instead of off to the side, Open Range produces even temperature from left to right, something almost impossible to achieve with a standard barrel shaped offset.

                Click here to read our complete review


                Pit Barrel Cooker Smoker

                Griddle And Deep Fryer All In One

                The flat top does the burgers and the fryer does the fries. Use the griddle for bacon, eggs, and home fries. Or pancakes, fajitas, grilled cheese, you name it. Why stink up the house deep frying and spatter all over? Do your fried chicken and calamari outside. Blackstone's Rangetop Combo With Deep Fryer does it all. Plus it has a built in cutting board, garbage bag holder, and paper towel holder. An additional work table on the left side provides plenty of counter space.

                Click here to read our detailed review and to order


                Pit Barrel Cooker Smoker

                The Pit Barrel Cooker May Be Too Easy

                The PBC has a rabid cult following for good reason. It is absolutely positively without a doubt the best bargain on a smoker in the world. Period. This baby will cook circles around the cheap offset sideways barrel smokers in the hardware stores because temperature control is so much easier. Best of all, it is only $299 delivered to your door!

                Click here to read our detailed review and the raves from people who own them


                The Undisputed Champion!

                thermapen

                The Thermoworks Thermapen MK4 is considered by the pros, and our team, to be the single best instant read thermometer. Don't accept cheap substitutes.  Click here to read our test results and comprehensive review and why it won our Platinum Medal .


                Compact Powerful Sear Machine For Your Next Tailgater

                Placeholder

                Char-Broil's Grill2Go x200 is a super-portable, fun little sizzler made of heavy, rust-proof cast aluminum. The lid snaps shut. Grab the handle and you're off to the party! Char-Broil's TRU-Infrared design produces searing heat while reducing fuel consumption. A 16 ounce LP gas canister is enough to keep you flipping burgers for hours.

                Click here to read our detailed review and to order


                The Cool Kettle With The Hinged Hood We Always Wanted

                NK-22-Ck Grill

                Their NK22CK-C Charcoal Kettle Grill puts a few spins on the familiar kettle design. In fact, the hinged lid with a handle on the front, spins in a rotary motion 180 degrees. It's hard to beat a Weber kettle, but Napoleon holds its own and adds some unique features to make the NK22CK-C a viable alternative.

                Click here for more about what makes this grill special


                Placeholder

                G&F Suede Welder's Gloves

                Heat Resistant Gloves With Extra Long Sleeves Hold The Hot Stuff

                If you're using oven mitts at the grill, it's time to trade up. Say hello to these suede welder's gloves. They're heat resistant enough to handle hot grill grates, and flexible enough to handle tongs. The extra long sleeves even let you reach deep into the firebox to move hot logs without getting burned. Our Fave.

                Click here to read our detailed review

                Click here to order from Amazon


                GrillGrates Take Gas Grills To The Infrared Zone

                grill grates

                GrillGrates(TM) amplify heat, prevent flareups, make flipping foods easier, keep small foods from committing suicide, kill hotspots, are easier to clean, flip over to make a fine griddle, and can be easily removed and moved from one grill to another. You can even throw wood chips, pellets, or sawdust between the rails and deliver a quick burst of smoke to whatever is above. Every gas grill needs them.

                Click here for more about what makes these grates so special


                PK 360 grill

                Is This Superb Charcoal Grill A Kamado Killer?

                The PK-360, with 360 square inches of cooking space, this rust free, cast aluminum charcoal grill is durable and easy to use. Four-way venting means it's easy to set up for two zone cooking with more control than single vent Kamado grills. It is much easier to set up for 2-zone cooking than any round kamado. Beautifully designed and completely portable. Meathead says it is his preferrred grill.

                Click here to read our detailed review of the PK 360

                Click here to order it direct from PK and get a special deal for AmazingRibs.com readers only


                kareubequ bbq smoker

                Our Favorite Backyard Smoker

                The amazing Karubecue is the most innovative smoker in the world. The quality of meat from this machine is astonishing. At its crux is a patented firebox that burns logs above the cooking chamber and sucks heat and extremely clean blue smoke into the thermostat controlled oven. It is our favorite smoker, period.

                Click here for our review of this superb smoker


                Masterbuilt MPS 340/G ThermoTemp XL Propane Smoker

                masterbuilt gas smoker

                The First Propane Smoker With A Thermostat Makes This Baby Foolproof

                Set ThermoTemp's dial from 175° to 350°F and the thermostat inside will adjust the burner just like an indoor kitchen oven. All you need to do is add wood to the tray above the burner to start smokin'.

                Click here to read our detailed review


                Fireboard: The Ultimate Top Of The Line BBQ Thermometer

                fireboard bbq thermometer

                With the ability to monitor up to six temperatures simultaneously with either Bluetooth or Wifi on your mobile phone, tablet, or computer, Fireboard is the best digital thermometer we’ve tested.

                Click here to read our detailed review


                Finally, A Great Portable Pellet Smoker

                Green Mountain Davey Crockett Grill

                Green Mountain's portable Davy Crockett Pellet Smoker is one mean tailgating and picnic machine. But it's also gaining popularity with people who want to add a small, set it and forget it pellet smoker to their backyard arsenal. And with their WiFi capabilities you can control and monitor Davy Crocket from your smart phone or laptop.

                Click here to read our detailed review and to order