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    I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

    He said, “Try the ATM outside.

    Comment


    • CaptainMike
      CaptainMike commented
      Editing a comment
      I recently read a quote attributed to Frank Sinatra where he said something like "Women have access to a lot products for sexual arousal these days. The Mercedes Benz 500SL is one of them"
      Last edited by CaptainMike; August 5, 2019, 12:42 PM.

    Some of us could do this a few years ago.

    An American walks into an Irish pubs and announces to all the patrons that he will pay $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes. Everyone raise their head but ignores the absurd bet and then goes back to their merry making except for one Irishman who leaves the pub. Some time passes and the Irishman returns to the pub and asked if the bet is still on the table? Sure it is says the American! Bartender line up the 10 Guinness!
    The Irishman drinks all 10 in 10 minutes. Astonished the American hands over the $500 and ask "May I ask where you went earlier?"
    The Irishman replies with a smirk, "I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

    Comment


    • HawkerXP
      HawkerXP commented
      Editing a comment
      I think I know that guy.

    • JimLinebarger
      JimLinebarger commented
      Editing a comment
      Keep 'em coming!

    My friends step dad doesn't like it when he calls him fake dad....ready



    He prefers faux pa...

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      So I finished writing my book on aeroplanes but it didn't take off. I think the pilot was bad.

      Comment


      • JimLinebarger
        JimLinebarger commented
        Editing a comment
        So when you went to a publisher with your pitch, all you got was a yaw? Could just be in a stall, might throttle up soon. Or you could chock it up to a learning experience.

      • THE Humble Texan
        THE Humble Texan commented
        Editing a comment
        try a different course but don't make a flap about it.

      • holehogg
        holehogg commented
        Editing a comment
        I wasn't banking on getting any good advice anyways.

      Definition of stress: What you experience when you suppress the urge to beat the living crap out of someone who so desperately deserves it.

      Comment


      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        Bogy Yeah, my first thought was hourly, unless I'm at a store, when it can be minute to minute! ;-)

      • Bogy
        Bogy commented
        Editing a comment
        Mr. Bones is a saint!

      • Mr. Bones
        Mr. Bones commented
        Editing a comment
        To be honest, yeah, it is WAY more often than daily, but I was tryin, desperately, to kinda downplay of a very opinionated, raised with no mercy, 3 tours of combat sf Veteran riled up...

        I like to think I'm mostly past anger, an violence , but, but, truth be told, among Family here...

        I still have my Moments....

        Bogy yer too funny; I certainly ain't qualified, on th face of this*' Miracle', to achieve Sainthood, but I LOVE th way yer sense of humour works, always!

      I was thinking, (always dangerous)…



      If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

      But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.

      Comment


      • JimLinebarger
        JimLinebarger commented
        Editing a comment
        Would the child be charged with a minor infraction?

      While I was dishing up my lunch meals one of my peeps asked me "New oven mitts"
      My reply "No, Boxing Gloves - for anyone who complains about today's lunch"

      Comment


      • ComfortablyNumb
        ComfortablyNumb commented
        Editing a comment
        And here I thought you were playing baseball......

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          HOW CANADA GOT ITS NAME

          Since some of the citizens speak English, and some French, it was decided they should coin a new word that was neither French nor English. It was then decided to put some letters in a hat and make the new name out of the letters drawn. So the hat was filled with slips of paper, each with a letter on it and the Prime Minister was called upon to draw the letters. So he drew the first letter and announced it do the audience, "C, eh!" Then the second, "N, eh!" Then the third, "D, eh!" And that's how they came up with Canada, eh!

          Comment


          • Craigar
            Craigar commented
            Editing a comment
            For a minute there I thought you were talking about Joseph Smith.

          • gcdmd
            gcdmd commented
            Editing a comment
            That aboot sums it up.

          holehogg Dishing up lunch reminds me of doing the same...

          I asked the guy, “Is it for here or to go?”
          He went off!
          Slammed his tray down and stomped away.
          Some prisoners have no sense of humour.

          Comment


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            • Mr. Bones
              Mr. Bones commented
              Editing a comment
              LOL on all, Brother!
              I remember askin specifically that Pic #3 not be published on th internut, as I don't like to be seen as lookin all "pensive", when in all actuality, I am doin is jus havin me a think...

            I got so mad at my GPS this morning that I told it to go to hell.
            It promptly took me to my in-laws house.

            Comment


            • Henrik
              Henrik commented
              Editing a comment
              Love it!

            What do you do if someone says an onion is the only thing that makes them cry?
            Throw a watermelon in their face.

            Comment


              Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stays awake all night pondering the existence of dog.

              Comment


              • ComfortablyNumb
                ComfortablyNumb commented
                Editing a comment
                Been telling that one for years!

              • Mr. Bones
                Mr. Bones commented
                Editing a comment
                No wonder I cain't never sleep...

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