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Jokes!

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    A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep," the Lab replies.
    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
    "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
    "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    "Ten dollars," the guy says.
    "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
    "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that s**t."

    Comment


      A SPAGHETTI LOVE STORY
      For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
      One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
      Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
      She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
      One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
      'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
      'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
      On the card was written:

      Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

      Three with meatballs, two without.
      Send extra sauce

      Comment


        Why it is always Cold and Windy in North Dakota: 1st - Canada lies to the North and bleeds over. 2nd - Westerly Prevailing Winds are due to the Blowing from Montana. 3rd - Minnesota Sucking to the East. Dan

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          Sez it all ...

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            HMMMM, that might have been me! Click image for larger version

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            • smarkley
              smarkley commented
              Editing a comment
              THAT is Funny!!!!

            • fuzzydaddy
              fuzzydaddy commented
              Editing a comment
              Nice. My Mom loves chicken so she used to say that when she was around live chickens that they would run, because they had heard about her.

            • jecucolo
              jecucolo commented
              Editing a comment
              My dad was from New York city and met my mother in the army WWII. She was from a farm in Shiner Texas. When he went to visit my grandmother he noticed she raised chickens. He asked her if they might be having fried chicken. She looked at my dad and said " We only eat chicken if one of us are sick or one of the chickens are sick". That was the end of the conversation.

            A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
            She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
            He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
            Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
            “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
            “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
            “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
            Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
            “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

            Comment


              A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

              Comment


                Beer...

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                  For my birthday my wife bought me an Amazon Echo. If you're unfamiliar with it it's a voice activated device that can do a number of things like give you the weather forecast, find directions to a specific place, play a requested song, etc. It's an amusing yet completely useless device. One of its features is that if you ask it to, it'll tell jokes. Here's a few examples of the thigh slappers it recently told us.

                  Q: When should you go on a cheese diet?
                  A: When you need to chedda few pounds.

                  Q: Why did the football coach shake the vending machine?
                  A: To get a quarter back.

                  Q: What did the bottle of Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator?
                  A: Shut the door! I'm dressing!

                  Like I said, it's a completely useless device.

                  Comment


                    This one is actually from smarkley, but it's on another thread. It deserves to be on this one:

                    A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke?".

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                      Willy check this one out I just found LOL

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                        I know some/many of us drive trucks! Might make some sense, eh?

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                          One dog to another: It's funny, my owner and I are best friends, even though we don't share similar interests. F'rinstance, he never sniffs poo and he never rolls around in dead stuff.

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                            A one panel Far Side: God, standing on a cloud with bunnies, deer, hamsters, and other gentle creatures. God says "OK, now it's time to make some animals to eat you guys."

                            Another Far Side: God standing on a cloud, rolling something long and skinny between his palms. He says "Wow, snakes are easy!"

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                              Meanwhile, in a parallel universe..........

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                              • Huskee
                                Huskee commented
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                                Lol, happy little Bob

                              • richinlbrg
                                richinlbrg commented
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                                He was great!

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